wellllll... definitely have a mixed bag of answers for this one.
1) I made a secret promise to my self this year, that I was going to start living life with little to no apologizes. What I mean, behind that, is.. I wanted to start doing what I wanted to do, and not think twice about what that looked like.
So... we bought the Disneyland annual passes... we traveled a bit.. we attended the things.. we met the friends for the dinners... and I didn't think twice about the fact that we "should" or "shouldn't" do it.
I did tell myself I had to be a certain weight before buying those annual passes. But.. - We're only going to be this age for a short time. I want to experience as much as I can with my husband while we're still young. Even though it would have been a goal to reach, at what point, when do you stop saying "next year" .. "next time" .. "when I lose that 50lbs" ect.
I did want to lose the weight first.. but, I also want to do as much life experiences because we dont know what the future holds. This life is not promised. So - experience it now!
We also went and saw the otters, and other adorable animals!!!!
2) Is I felt defeated by my self. Self sabotaging at it's best. Things that I knew were wrong, I did anyway. Things I knew I shouldnt eat, I ate anyway. I didnt get up to exercise like I should.... and, you guessed it - I gained most of the weight I worked so hard to lose, back.
Thankfully, I've lost some of it again - but.. not all of it, and it doesnt make up for all the backtracking I did to myself.
Food is a consistent battle with me. Consistent.
I'm always thinking about it.
I dont know why.. and I strongly dislike that feeling.
Sometimes at one meal, I'm thinking about what's going to be for the next one.
Other times I'm hoping what I'm making or ordering is going to be enough for how hungry I seem to think I am.
Even though I don't need it.
When you watch a lot of weight shows, one of the biggest things you hear is, about how hard of an upbringing these people had. Some traumatic situation that attributed to how they ultimately turned to food for that comfort.
Nothing like that ever happened to me.
I was not brought up in a house where I/we turned to food for comfort.
I had the perfect childhood.
I played sports.. I danced all the time. I was active.
All my closest friends were small.
We ate out, occasionally, but not a alot - most of the time dinner was at home, ready when I got home from said sports.
My brothers can gain and lose weight just by looking at a cheeseburger. (dont get me wrong, they work out, sometimes, too - but, you get it)
I can look at water and gain weight.
Put chips and salsa in front of me, and I have no self control.
I had to stop buying the chips and bringing them in to the house.
Cause I'm the only one that eats them, and I eat them ALL and fast.
I know something is a bad idea before I do it, and then I do it anyway, and then feel like crap.
#gofigure
but, sometimes I just dont know how to stop.
Its mental turmoil.
So- friends- I'm here - just... wrapped up in my own mind.
I finally got back on the mill - I'm not consistent with it, but I'm on it. and I got back to eating better - not perfect, but better.... and this last week, I surprisingly lost 6lbs (of the weight I gained back...).
The hardest thing is finding the perfect groove for myself, without setting my self into depression like I can easily do.
At least its baseball season - and if you know me at ALL - you know my energy is ALL sorts of invested right now.
So, theres that.
Anyway. This is where I'm at. Food addiction is legit. It's the difference in your mind knowing a salad is better than pasta, but not wanting the salad so badly you could cry.
Sometimes salads sound good. But do does everything else I shouldn't eat.
Trying to tell my brain that, is challenging.
The good news is.. I'm drinking more water and I'm making lunches at home much more often again so that's helping..
Things will get better.
They will get harder, but they will get better.
Thanks for listening.
Hope all is well!!
:)
love to all-
larissa
