Weekend Review! :)

I've had a great weekend, and I don't have a whole lot to talk about today, other than a quick update and some things I want to share that I'm proud of myself about!

...

Corey left town on Thursday morning, to spend St. Patrick's Day with his bestfriend in Kansas City... I'm happy to report that I've stayed on track with eating and exercising every day that he has been away!!
(p.s.- I didn't have a great weekend BECAUSE he was gone... I just had a great weekend, despite his being away!!)

Thursday afternoon I took two long walks with my bff, Megan! We walked a trail, and then went back to her house and got dinner ready and had dinner there (a small taco salad.. mostly lettuce!), and then decided to take a long walk around the neighborhood after! It was nice to get a good walk in, that was out in the beautiful outdoors! This was the sunset that night. A picture couldn't even capture its beauty, but I tried!!

Then Friday after work, I mostly hung around the house - walked on the mill, made dinner for myself.... I cooked up Spaghetti - which, I LOVE, but don't have often in our house. I measured everything out.. the noodles, the sauce.. and had a can of green beans with it. It was actually less calories than I thought it would be. Normally on a day like that - if Corey wasn't home, I'd go have dinner alone in a restaurant bar... and it definitely wouldn't be healthy, and wouldn't be low in calorie, or small in size. After dinner, I decided to get our grocery shopping done... and on my way to Costco, the sunset was just unbelievably STUNNING. I didn't even take a picture (although EVERYONE was outside taking pictures!! because I knew a picture couldn't even begin to justify it!!) I love this time of year, for the nightly beauty!

Yesterday I took off early, to get out of the house since they were working on the roof all day and I needed to get my car either out of the driveway and down the street, or just gone in general. So I headed to my parents early in the AM. Megan and I planned a walk and I decided I wanted to take Zaggy with! Kiska drags her paws when she walks. :( So taking her on walks is nearly impossible without bloody paws within minutes.. but Zaggy was in heaven!!! She was soooo good, too! She loved every second, and I cant wait to take her again!! :) I told my mom I want to come take her maybe once a week!!

This was her during the walk.... and then her after the walk!!!

Last nights dinner was a little more of a splurge, but I knew it was going to be, which is why I tried to be very smart about my choices in the days leading up! I've been told this before, and try to keep it in mind that it is a very 80%/20%... as long as I'm good 80% of the time, 20% I can enjoy a special meal!! If I don't let my self.. that's when I get depressed about food.


Today I joined Megan again on an adventure taking Titan to do his Easter pictures! He looked so handsome!! We walked around a little while killing time till it was our turn.. but my steps weren't very high.. so I walked the mill for an hr this afternoon. sometimes its more of a dreadmill - as my brother calls it! HAHA! but afterward I feel much much better about doing it!!


Overall, I know that I had a few things this weekend, that were more than needed.. but life is about balance and I feel refreshed after getting some friend time, and some fresh air!! :)


again.. not tons to report.. just like keeping track of my life! :) Some days after eating crap, I couldn't feel worse. I look at what I ate, and I think... WHAT was I thinking and doing.
I still need to get my goals in line. Its harder than I thought it would be!! But one of my goals is to sit down and do my goals!! lol.. and plan out my weight loss ideals.

the other day, my co-worker asked me a question, and when responding to her- everything just all the sudden went off like a lightbulb in my head...

Most try to lose 2ish lbs a week.... we're 11 weeks into the year which would be about 22lbs. I didn't start till week 3, so we're looking more at 9 weeks - 18lbs.... and I'm currently at 29.2lbs lost. I'm doing MORE than what I would like to do. So on those days where I don't see the scale move, I need to remind myself that... its okay! we're okay! you are doing GREAT! and just keep moving!! :)


29.2lbs down!!

:)

love to all

larissa

if you see me running...

...you should probably turn and run too... cause somethings probably wrong!!

In fact.. I'm actually very lucky to have a treadmill at home. because if I was at the gym, people would probably be videoing me and sending it to America's Funniest Home Videos!!
(is that still a thing?)
Not because I look funny (well, maybe I do) but because I put my headphones in, and practically have a Zumba session on the mill while walking! :D


On that note.. I'd love new song ideas for my "iii i workout" playlist.. So if you got anything you love to listen to, that's mostly upbeat, dance type music, I'll consider it! :)

"You cant stop lookin at me, staring at me, be what I be..

you cant stop lookin at me so get out of my face" is currently my favorite!

(p.s.- I just spend 20mins watching California Cow videos. its good for the soul!)

Thanks to those of you for the cauliflower ideas from the last blog.. we're going to give it another shot or two.. tonight we're going to roast cauli and broccoli in the oven with our beef patties. we'll see how it goes!! The broccoli is a buffer... in case the cauliflower is still dissatisfying! :)

My brother and sister in law offered us their stationary bike. I'm SOOOO excited for that. We're going to have our own home gym in no time! kidding.. but still SO excited. it'll give me a little variation of something to do other than the mill... (I love the mill, don't get me wrong.. I'd rather do that, then a lot of other things, haha)

I'm going to sit down and start a list of goals for myself, and our life. I don't know if I'll share them or not.. but its something that was suggested to me, and I think its a good thing to do.
I read something, that said its good to focus on the now, present, and current things in life and situations... and not to get caught up in goals and the future.. (I'm guessing because of the pressure it puts on you) and yes, that is good.. but I also feel that sometimes without goals and things you are aspiring to reach and be, you might get lost in what you are now.
I feel like for far too long, I've become stationary. I've let the days go by, and not done anything to help myself, because.. tomorrow is another day.. it'll come. it'll go.... and I'll still be the in the same position I am now... and I feel like that's kind of a way you get when you are facing depression..... let me just get through this.

If I can just get through today, tomorrow will come and things will be better.

but they aren't.

They aren't better, because I'm not better......

But now that I'm spending time working on myself, and who I am in my relationship with my husband, family, friends, and in general.. I'm much happier. I know sometimes it doesn't show.. or I still get lost in my resting bitch face (RBF), but I truly am becoming happier.

I like deciding dinner plans with my husband.. even if its nothing more exciting then me cooking up chicken stir-fry! (which I did.. and was good, btw!) I feel a little victorious when I submit my tracking for the day and I'm under my goal! I like seeing the numbers go down on the scale and get a little sad when they don't move. I know that sometimes its not about the number on the scale moving but how you as a person feel.. but it sure is a nice thing to physically see.

I like grocery shopping with my husband! Even if we only got 2 stupid Monopoly pieces yesterday. UGH! I told him I was going to push the lady in front of us down outside, and steal her pieces. SHE GOT A BUNCH!!!!!!
-but I didn't. because its wrong... oh, and he looked at me like I was crazy. and I probably am.


I like going to a restaurant and actually thinking about what I'm ordering... even if I still get one of the worst things on the menu in the end, I know that its just one meal, and I'll get back on track. I'm not letting it get in my head that I'm done for!!!! and, since I exercised that day, I feel much better about having a "cheat" meal, so to speak....


Writing has truly helped me. Even if I'm babbling or it becomes uninteresting to read, it really is helping me center my thoughts. Popping my headphones in, becoming a keyboard warrior and getting it all out there.. it is making me feel a little more accomplished and helping me have something to look back at! and.. its when I get quiet that I'm most likely slipping back down the rabbit hole... because this keeps me accountable. You guys keep me accountable. Knowing people are following my journey and touching base with me, and reading this... THIS keeps me accountable. I'm doing it for myself.. but it gives me a little fuel, and a little push.

Shout out to my amazing husband (Corey) who is on this journey with me... for losing 40lbs so far!!! I'm so proud of you!

and so lucky to call you mine!

25lbs down..

and #selfieoritdidnthappen is still in FULL effect to my brother every day!

(they are just REALLY unflattering pictures.) bahahaha

:)

love to all
larissa

Am I just eating because I'm bored?

I'm a little proud of myself! The last two days I got out of bed at 4:45.... in the AM... and walked an hour before work! yeah.. me!! I know! Right?! Banked 4 hours on the mill since Sunday!!

My knees are killing me.. but they're tired. so- that's that... and my shin splints come and go depending on if they like me or loath me. Some days I can walk for awhile on a 3-5 incline, and other days they beg me to slow it down on a zero (incline that is... not a zero speed!). Its crazy how far one way to the other it can be.

I've tried to be good about calories.. I was under on Sunday, about right at yesterday, and then under again today! And that isn't counting my exercising calories!! :)
and I drink water like its free. which - is funny - cause we actually go and fill water at the store! :D
-okay.. I thought it was funny.


If you're wondering what my basic meals are.. during the week, my breakfast and lunch is pretty much the same, and pretty basic.

-Breakfast: Smoothie... Scoop of chocolate Whey, cup of unsweetened Almond milk, cup of frozen strawberries, and a full banana... I usually eat that after my walk (when I get it in...) or first thing when I start work... then I start in on my water about an hour after.

-Lunch: Chicken... somewhere between 5-8ozs... we just decreased the oz this week to 5-5.5.. it was a good change! I also have 2 hardboiled eggs.. and a cheese stick! (really I just like to pull it apart and eat it in strips! :D)

If I have snacks, its usually something I know the measurement of.... grapes, peanut butter balls (great to pop a few in the middle of the night when I wake up with the feeling of a headache coming!), gold fish, or cereal bars/fig bars. 100 calorie bags of popcorn (buy off amazon! seriously. WAY better deal than the store!!) and I enjoy the occasional cup of hot chocolate.. sometimes fat free, sometimes regular!

Dinner is whatever we're feeling.. we create our meals and shop accordingly on Friday afternoon or Saturday. we try to be easy, but not too bland, so that we're keeping meals enjoyable!!

As I said the other day... I track everything!!! even a few gold fish.. I track! It doesn't always spark a "oh, I shouldn't eat that" as much as it keeps me in line to know when in the future this meal or that choice wasn't the BEST.


Lets talk about cauliflower. Ugh. or lets not!!!! ;)
we've now given it 3 tries and I cannot tell you it'll be okay! I want to give it one more try- I want to try to make it into fried rice (obviously fried cauliflower) but that's my last shot. if it isn't good by then, I'm done.
I gave it a fair shake! I feel like 3-4 honest tries, made different ways.. that's more than I'll give some things!!




I haven't been sleeping well. My fitbit will basically tell you I'm up and down all night. If I had my way, I'd go to bed between 8 and 9... since I'm getting up earlier now.... but when I go lay down, my head is just racing and I cant stop! yesterday it took about 30 mins to fall asleep... the night before, about 25. maybe there's a secret out there? its not like I'm entranced in a show or anything.. cause hello, DVR... (I mean..sometimes sisterwives.. but seriously. DVR!!)
but I just get to a point in my day, where I'm no longer tired.
WHAT?!!! Me? Cant sleep? this is the girl that could sleep ANYWHERE, ANY time!!!!
yeah.. I know!


One nice thing... my jeans are not tight. - EVERY time I had to go jean shopping, I'd tell myself... I'm NOT going up another damn size again. I will NOT do it. but, then reality comes around, and I need another pair, and guess what - I gained weight. there is no choice but to go naked, or go up a size...... let me tell you- I never went naked. thank goodness - I guess. but, seriously. in the back of my mind- I was like... well, I guess if I gain the weight, I'll just have to figure it out. jeans get tight... I'll figure it out...... its a horrible mind process. I haven't tried on my other pair yet, since I pretty much only wear jeans when I leave the house - but I'm hopeful that they'll be somewhat loose.
Perks of working from home #324435: I LIVE in leggings. its a beautiful, comfortable life! ;)
((that is, until you realize you've gotten WAY too comfortable in pants that don't have to button.))


This:

is currently how I'm feeling.... I'm not a brave person. I'm not someone who feels comfortable showing skin. I'm not okay wearing bathing suits that show my middle, and "embracing" my weight like some women. if you feel like you are brave enough to do so, that is totally on you! but I have never really been comfortable in my own skin... so, it is not like me to do such a thing.


I have before pictures from a few years ago- that I'm even bigger than now.. but I wont take them in a sports bra. Tee-shirt and pants work for me.




I don't think I'll look back and wish I did, either.

I don't think its anything I want to see, nor anyone else.


I think just continuing to take care of myself, and be supportive of my husband.. that is my main goal and focus right now!



After my last post, the amount of love, encouragement, and respect I was shown, was amazing. There are literally no words to express how blessed I felt with the amount of people who reached out. Even those who just read it, are helping my journey as well.. because I know people are going to be holding me accountable. That is SO important in a journey like this. It is NOT easy, and I'm not going to pretend that it is going to be. It is SO easy to get here. but it is SO hard to come from here. I follow people on social media that I see go from a heavier weight than I was, to a much lower weight than I am... I know its possible. but, I know that sometimes it takes a village. sometimes you need people behind you cheering you on. even if you don't admit it.
I know I'll need to get to a point where I work even harder. I know just walking on the mill an hour or two a day is not going to be enough... I know I need to get back in the gym and join those classes, or work on those weights.. but I'm proud of myself for where I'm at as of yet!

23lbs down!! about 145ish to go!


:)

love to all-
larissa

Here we are again...

and so it begins... almost 3 years past my last entry. I don't know what it is about this time, but I'm more dedicated than that of previously.
I wanted to do videos. but I have a horrible mouth, don't know how to edit, and don't want to have a bad mouth on camera!

I'm not in denial or naive to the fact that I'm overweight. I see it every day. On my body, in the mirror, in my shadow.. in how hard it is to do things, that my weight is constricting me to do. The normal things, ya know? like.. walking fast without having to catch my breath.. or climbing up on things without having to plop down... and most of all, can whatever I'm doing, be handled by my weight.


at the beginning of this year- I was at what I'm sure to be, the highest weight I have ever seen myself. 319. three hundred and nineteen pounds. yep. that's right. its embarrassing to admit that. I am not telling you, because its a comfortable thing to share. and I'm not telling you to shame myself. I'm admitting it, because its a fact, and its a reminder that I don't want to be that. I no longer want to be that girl.

there are numerous things I could blame my weight on.... after my mom's accident, my weight even more so, spiraled out of control. can I blame the accident? sure... but really - it was just what I used to COPE with the accident. I didn't take care of myself. That, there, then.. pushed me over the edge. working a lot- oh, lets have fast food. I don't know how to cook.. oh! cool, reason to eat out. I don't take responsibility in controlling my bad habits.

this year, we have only eaten out a handful of times. this year, I try and track EVERYTHING. (my fitness pal). this year, I wear my fitbit religiously. this year, I haven't let situations dictate my eating habits. dealing with the death of a family member did not trigger me. dealing with struggles at work, did not trigger me. I may have been stressed to the max, but I've worked hard this year to change my eating habits. and the bigggggggest factor. My husband is by my side. He is my biggest supporter, and he is doing the same thing for himself. We're a team, and we're in this together. There are times, where I don't know how I got so lucky to have someone who loves me so much. how I deserved to have a husband like him.

I have been a depressed mess lately. I take things out on him that I shouldn't. I'm not in a depressed "I'm going to take drastic actions" kind of depressed. I would never even consider that. I've been more like- I'm alone in my own head, kind of depressed. Working from home can be lonely. -I don't want to change, that.. trust me. it's also a luxury! but when you don't leave the house to go to work, and when its over, you are already home, and you don't leave except to go to your other job twice a week.. and the only person you see is your husband (who you LOVE, very much..... don't get me wrong) it can get lonely in your mind.

I need to figure out a release somewhere.

I haven't seen many friends this year. timing I suppose has been an issue. and when you are trying not to eat out, that is a factor, too... I've missed them so much.. sometimes just having someone to talk to, that isn't the person you are married to, is very much needed.

my husband is amazing. he preps our lunches for the week.. when he's home on two of my work days, he usually makes me lunch.. he helps around the house. we plan our dinners together, and grocery shop together.. he is my rock. makes me laugh, and deals with my crazy mind.


so far this year, I'm down 20lbs. I'm currently in a slump, because I haven't been as committed on the eating part. not horrible, but a few bad days. it doesn't make me bad.. just hasn't been helping the scale move. however, I have been getting on the treadmill... or the "mill" as I call it! :) I started with about 30mins of walking and now I'm up to 60mins and trying to change up the speed and incline when I can!

I'm looking in to starting a "plan"... like- the Couch to 5K - to give me a goal. I'm not an exercise junky. I never have been. I don't crave it, I dread it. I get shin splints like you wouldn't believe. but my legs, knees, and body have endured a lot of abuse from me. My goal, right now, is to be able to do a run with my dad! I want to do a fun run with him, and not be a horrid overweight, cant breathe, cant keep up with him mess.


if you've made it this far- as you can tell, this year has brought some big changes that have been big steps in the right direction. I'm a lucky girl, and I need to keep reminding myself, that I need me time- and I need to take time to make sure I'm fulfilling my needs.


I want to start reading more. I want to start pulling myself away from the screen as much, and dedicating more time to how I can keep my marriage strong (not that there are issues, just to be clear! just want to keep our marriage strong and be a team!) keep happiness in our lives, and figure out how to change my attitude and outlook on life. He doesn't deserve a bad attitude coming from me on the daily.



I need to remember that no one ever did anything to me. I need to stop treating life like it owes me something. I need to remember that every day is a gift. I need to make positive changes in my life, so that I remember to be grateful for everything I've got.


I also- don't want my best friend (my niche, Miss. Nora) to look at her aunt, and be embarrassed, or feel like I cant do the things she wants me to do, because my weight restricts me.... like when she wanted me to go down the slide at the playground, but my thighs wouldn't allow it. telling a 4 year old you cant do it, and you'd rather go down the other way- doesn't make sense to her.... but to me, it was devastation.



I hope 2018 has brought great changes to all of you as well. and if it hasn't.. then I hope you are able to figure out where your unhappiness is coming from. It is not easy to admit when you need help. I for sure don't like to admit it.

some of my unhappiness, was simply just feeling like I wasn't good enough for people. and I need to remember that I'm me.. I cant change that. I also need to remember that people are busy. and people don't always have time for me. and that's okay. but its also okay to admit when you need people. just because people aren't talking to you, doesn't mean it is a personal thing. sometimes they legit just don't have time in their life for you. and that is okay, too.



now I'm just rambling. but please know - if you are feeling this way, that you are not alone.  I hope you can find something in your life that means happiness to you- and dedicate yourself to it! right now, happiness is taking care of me, and my relationship and making us the healthiest "us" we can be!


here is a lovely collage that only my brother has seen. at first I started sending these to him as a joke... #selfieoritdidnthappen .... now I send it as a way to be held accountable for working out.

love to you all!
larissa