seriously hard.

This has been much harder for me, then I ever imagined it would be. I guess I just like food way too much.

 

I think the other problem, is I don't know when to stop.

 

Put food in front of me, and I chow.

 

 

I guess what I'm going to do now, is create a meal plan. Use my Sunday evening to prepare for the week. And stick to it.

 

 

I've gained some of the weight I worked at losing, back.. and I'm really disappointed with myself.

 

I know the only person I've let down is myself, but that's a pretty big deal when I'm doing this FOR myself.

 

The hard part about my day, is I'm up at 4am. I leave for work about 5:15 and if I have the time, I make a smoothie and grab a granola bar, and eat it on the way to work. Then I don't have lunch until 10:15. At that point, I eat whatever I've brought, or go buy something because I don't always have time to make my lunch. Big problem for me. Then I'm off at 3, and the reality is, if I didn't force myself to eat dinner some days, I might not eat... Because I'm not even hungry most days, but its been almost 6 hours since I ate lunch by the time I get home... And I know that's NOT good for me. So then I end up eating whatever is convenient, which is usually nothing good as well.

 

If I spend Sunday preparing for my week, then I wouldn't have to worry the morning of what I'm going to have that day. I also need to prepare snacks of fruits and veggies to eat on my breaks. That way I'm not so overly tired all day as I usually am.

 

I'm still trying to get my 4 liters of water in every day..  Some days I'll add in some crystal light packets, with the caffeine boost to help pick me up a little.. problem with those, is they have aspartame, and I've been trying to avoid that.

 

I still get my headaches every once in awhile, and I was thinking the aspartame might be to blame?!! But I NEED something to wake me up around 12:45, cause I'm about to crash! I basically only drink water, and its not exactly something that jolts me up!! And when I get my headaches, they usually last me a good 3-4 days. :(

 

 

 

Lastly, I NEED to get into the gym. I'm really upset with myself, for how lazy I am. I'm the only person to blame, but I'm SO tired. My schedule kicks my butt. I LOVE my job, but let me tell you! I work REALLY early!!!! I feel like the more tired I am, and not doing anything to better myself, is causing me to be grumpy and angry, which is causing me to come off that way to other people.

 

I'm going to try that "no complaining". I'm going to think before I say something that might bother me, because its definitely worse for someone else. I'm going to hope that it'll also take that grey cloud out from above my head. It's not hard to enjoy life. especially when you have things really good. I have a lot of good things going on in my life. I cannot keep letting little things get to me.

 

 

My idea of this meal planning- is going simplistic. Getting fruits, veggies, and chicken. Cutting and cooking it up on Sunday, and making my basic meals through the week.

If you have other ideas for basic things to do, please don't hesitate to offer. I need easy!

 

 

 

..slacking..

I've been slacking.

There's really no other way to put it.

Sometimes the mind set is: One bad meal ='s one bad day ='s one bad week ='s one bad month...

 

I NEED to retrain my brain.

 

 

 

I'll do okay for a few days, and then I'll have an off day, and I need to try hard to get back on track. I need to learn the word no. I need to learn that its okay to treat myself to something small, but I don't need something BIG. or TWO. or I can pass on something every once in awhile.

 

The easiest thing to do right now, would be to slump back into my old habits. To become who I know I'm better then. It's really hard to not be the person you've known your whole life. It's hard to want to better yourself, and not have the energy every day to fight the battle of losing weight. It's extremely hard to wake up every morning, get ready for the day- feeling like you are a beautiful person, and then throughout the day, see pictures of yourself, or look at yourself in a mirror and feel like you don't look good at all. Know that you have problems.

 

I want to impress people. Impress people with my strength and determination to be a better ME.

 

I have nothing to prove to anyone, but I still want to let it be known that I'm capable of bettering myself into the person I know that I can be.

 

 

I am SO happy in my life. I love my boyfriend. I love my family. I love my friends. I have a great job. An AMAZING support system. I have so many good things going on in my life. I am so beyond blessed for the things that I have in my life. I have never ever been deprived, nor went without.

But I'm not happy in my own skin.

and that's not okay.

 

 

Thank you for continuing to help my along my journey. I was afraid to weigh in this morning. So since the last time I weighed in- last Sunday- I was still around my 17lbs down mark, for the year. I will weigh in again next Sunday, hopefully permitting I have a better week then I did this last week.

It's hard when people auto-assume I'm at my "plateau".... no- I've just been lazy.

 

 

I just need to control my mind, and put my mind over matter.

 

 

Sometimes Later- Becomes Never

 

 

I didn't have a lot of time to write yesterday, as I was cramming it in before I got ready for work.. I just needed it to get out there, and be held accountable. Its really hard to better yourself. It is terribly hard to commit to changing your daily habits, even though I know how terribly important it is.

 

I stopped drinking pop on the 2nd of January.. I haven't had it but once this year. I try to drink between 2-4 liters of water a day, but its really hard when I sit all day, cause I constantly have to use the bathroom!! bahahaha. Corey got us started on these smoothies in the AM's, so I usually have that with a granola bar for breakfast. Then it gets difficult for the rest of the day! I've definitely found a better appreciation for zucchini, asparagus, and squash.. however its AMAZING how fast your calories add up.

 

I definitely need to get back into the gym.. Its really hard now that my schedule has changed. I cant go in the AM, cause I'm up at 4 for work... and I should definitely go in the afternoon, but I'm so tired by the time 3 rolls around. I just need to DO it. That's the hardest part. DOING it. I got my bag INto the car.. I just haven't taken it OUT of the car!

 

Another difficult thing is, I'm not a good cook. Its very hard for me to come up with things to eat, that aren't just a bowl of spaghetti o's! I've tried to make simple things that are low calorie, but it can be so time consuming when its just me 4 nights out of the week.

 

I've tried to get into salad. Sometimes I enjoy it. Other times I don't feel like it.

 

 

 

At the end of the day, I'm trying. I think more about the things that go into my mouth.. I think more about how much I eat. Sometimes I fix the situation, other times I just feel guilty about it, and eat it anyway... I need to break the guilt feeling. I need to know that I can have something if I want it, I just need to have it in moderation. I need to remember that I'm not doing this for anyone but myself. And that I need to do it, to life a healthier life.

 

 

17lbs down.. 110lbs-ish to go. I'll get there. All in good time. I'll get there.!

 

 

Back At It...

     Its been a rough last couple years, with everything our family has been going through. I don't mean to make excuses, but enduring the hardships of what my mom experienced, I tended to take it out on food. It was the consistent in life. Anyone and everyone who knows me, knows I've battled my weight my entire life. Except when I was about 5... I looked good then. Its no secret that I've always been overweight, and its no secret that I put on a VERY brave face to try and hide the fact that I'm VERY insecure about it. Its not that I don't think that I have a beautiful face, or a very loving heart, but I'm a very sarcastic person as well, and try to be too humorous at times, just to mask the person inside. I love my life. Don't get me wrong by any means. I have an amazing family, a loving boyfriend, his great family, and our outstanding friends. They mean everything to me. But this year- I needed to start doing things for myself.

     At the beginning of this year, 2015, we took it upon ourselves to start changing our habits. Who knew eating better, could help you lose 17ish lbs! So far that's where I'm at. The last few weeks I've kinda just stayed in the same area.... But I've decided to start writing about it again, in the hopes that it'll give me a little push to keep going. It hasn't been easy, but it hasn't been hard. Its a weird middle ground. You want to eat better, but eating bad is so much easier. Its interesting though, that when you start eating better, you sometimes crave that food instead of junk. Its been nice that we don't keep a lot of junk in the house. I know I've got to do this for me, and there's no better time then now to get it done. Just need to keep pushing.

     That is all for now.

 

     love.