another rough couple days...

Lets be honest friends.. I'm pretty transparent with my blogging. so- in honor of being pretty upfront with everything, here's what's been going down in our lives!!

Piggybacking off the last blog- Corey's foot is still sore, but he has been back to work for a few weeks now... they said a piece of the bone did break off, but it wasn't something that could be fixed by surgery or anything other than basically natural healing. They took him out of the boot and also told him he no longer needed to wear the brace - so he tries to treat it like normal.. but there is still some remaining pain.

We took our Alaskan cruise! It was amazing!! We cannot wait to go on another one!! We're thinking maybe 2020!! We already have some ideas worked up for the rest of this year and next year, so we have to push it out a little further than we'd like! ;) But we'll choose a new location! It'll be exciting to find a new place to visit that we haven't been to!

I had every intention in bringing my gym clothes onto the boat.. but the day or two leading up to it, I was having a LOT of knee pain... not sure why.. but going into the first and second days on the cruise I was still experiencing it and decided that there wasn't enough room for it in my suit case, knowing I wasn't going to use it. It meant an additional pair of shoes, extra socks, extra shirts and work out pants.. but - I know myself well enough.  I was a little bummed with myself, because I wanted to keep up with everything - but used it as a break instead.

We did do a lot of walking around though - so that definitely made up for some of it. I did get sick on the cruise however - so that was a bummer... Corey caught a cold and passed it to his momma and I... we still got to do ALL the things - but there was 1 day at sea I didn't do a whole lot or leave the room much - and I didn't really feel bad about it! That's what vacations are for!!!

As most know- cruises are FULL of ALLLL the food. - we definitely did a fair share of eating, too... best meal - King Crab in Juneau!!! SOOOOO.GOOOOOOD. Good news is - I was only up about 5lbs from my lowest weigh in - which I know was just after the dietbet! Speaking of which - I unfortunately did not pass my second bet... I'm not mad - life hit hard about that time.. I was dealing with my HORRID food poisoning - Corey's broken foot, and the stress of life - but - I'll bounce back! Its not the end of the world.. I still lost weight leading up to it!! just wasn't quite where I needed to be! there will be more!

We got off the boat and I headed for Spokane with my parents and little brother to spend time with my older brother, sister-in-law, and niche! We enjoyed the long weekend together (missing Corey back home. :( ) and had some great family time! Got to watch Nora at her ballet class - go to a BBQ at Angie's cousins house where the kiddos ((and the adults!!)) enjoyed the slip-in-slide! and the boys re-painted Nora's playset that they put up 2 years prior.

(peter is on the ladder, timm is inside the house painting with nora, and dad is underneath the set!)

Back to regular life - as we know it - we still hadn't gotten back on track - although I'm maintaining my loss at just coasting along. I needed to get my rear in gear and get going!! However - without fail - you know something happens... because its us!!!! :D

Corey, Snoop and Tipsy's birthday was last Tuesday!!

We went out to celebrate as a big group at Spaghetti Factory (minus the kitties!!) - and the next morning I woke around 2am with some horrid pain trying to breathe... shaking it off, I dealt with it all day Wednesday and finally in the evening just before bed, decided to reach out to the nurses line for guidance. She suggested me going to the ER that night, or - using my best judgement if I wanted to wait and try for an appointment the next morning... Although I have great heath coverage, I didn't really wish to spend the $150 copay for the ER - so I opted to go to work the next day, and call first thing when the doctor's office opened to see if I couldn't get an appointment to go in and see a doctor. I left work early and Corey took me over, and based on my symptoms, which - hadn't gone away... they choose to do an EKG to rule out the heart first. They didn't think it was the heart - so they wanted to do it first and get it out of the way...... unfortunately - they weren't happy with what they saw.

My family has a history of a blog clotting disease - antiphospholipid syndrome - and the original EKG presented what that doctor believed to possibly be a blood clot in my lungs. they sent be directly to the ER - not proceeding with any other testing - because they wanted to know RIGHT away if that's what it is! ((cue in the $150 copay!! bahahaha)) - Once at the ER - they completed another EKG, took LOTS of blood, and ran me through a CT Scan.

            

Everything came back clear. ahhhhh.. no blood clots!! Great news! although.. what they believe was causing the pain...... Acid Reflux. yeah. Acid Reflux.... for REAL?!!!! Worst pain in my life!!!! I cant hardly breathe, and I have ACID REFLUX. - that was 4 hours in the ER to figure out a whole lot of annoying news - but everyone there was great!

Corey and I left there and went and grabbed some late dinner and proceeded home. I fell asleep on the couch for a short period while watching TV and then moved to bed around 1045.... mind you - I had already excused myself from work for Friday - knowing I was in no shape to work, and wanting to get another doctors appointment so they could follow up with me for some sort of treatment. around 1245 I awoke and was in excruciating pain. I couldn't hardly move my left arm - it was somewhat numb, kinda dead weight - and my esophagus hurt so bad I could hardly breathe. deep breaths hurt so badly - that it was just short breathing.... I couldn't even really cry. but I moved to the couch in hopes to get through the night....

there was no getting through the night. just shortly after - my mom recommended me calling the nurses line again - and basically as soon as they heard trouble breathing, chest hurts, numb arm - they wanted me to call 911. Well - my husband was home, could drive me, and didn't have to work - so I didn't want to call 911 and deal with all that - so we got back up, and out the door we went..... another 3 hours from 245-545 Friday morning spent in the ER... 

another EKG, another set of blood... EVERYTHING came back normal AGAIN!!! this was a new doctor, so he checked out a few other avenues before ruling the heart out completely - like inflammation of the heart for instance.. - but again... he chalked it up to be Acid Reflux. At this point we asked more questions we didn't think to ask the first time - like... what those doctors thought they saw on the first EKG (I had a copy of it with me) that they didn't see - which he said is because I have a lot of elasticity in my heart... so it opens more when I breathe in, and less when I breathe out. He said its normal with younger people - and as you get older, your heart has less elasticity so it opens smaller. He said some people see that as an irregular situation, but it wasn't out of the norm. I also asked why my arm was experiencing the numbness - to which he said there is a nerve in your upper shoulder/chest area, which connects your left arm and chest - and when you are in pain there, your brain cannot detect where the pain is coming from.. so at some point, it was sending pain to BOTH areas.... I thought it was cause that's where my blood drawing was from.. but he said he didn't think that would cause it! We also asked if there was something he could give me to help with the pain or reflux since I wasn't going to see my doctor till the next day (IF I could even get in!!) - and luckily he prescribed me with some pain meds, and 2 types of acid reflux pills. one that is supposed to start right away, and another that takes about 5-6 days to actually work... he told me to follow up with my doctor in a few days, since he was getting me started with some medicine so I wouldn't need to run out and see them right away. It made me feel a LOT better - as I was concerned if I couldn't get in to see someone WHAT I was going to do all weekend.


now - I'm on day 4... and still in HORRID pain. Counting down the days till I can go to the doctor and see why I might be getting this - I've never had this before.. and even if I've experienced a slight heart burn, its been more like a little burn and gone after a few hours. Now to think of everything I will no longer be able to eat due to the acid in it!!!! :O - I guess it'll help with the weight loss for sure, but I just don't understand.... How could Spaghetti do this to me?! Of all foods. I thought we were friends. :(


anyway- LONG story blog - and I'm sorry for rambling... but - here we are. still maintaining around that 35ish pound loss.. and now in for a journey ahead to figure out what is going on.... and get it FIXED so I can start working out again... I cant do hardly anything right now except sleep on the couch. the simplest of tasks causes me such a great deal of pain.. walking, picking things up, holding things in my left hand, cleaning the litter box or moving laundry... such simple tasks, and it HURTS to do. It hurts to laugh, to cry, to cough, to sneeze.... I just want things to be NORMAL!!!


Shout out to my amazing husband who is my rock... and was by my side for all of it. Continued to tell me I would be okay... even though we didn't know what was wrong. and has driven me around, since I cant!! and our parents who have been a listening ear and very supportive!


Life has a lovely way of holding us back - but we'll get through this!! We will indeed!!!




If you've made it this far, thank you! I know it was a lot! and I'm sorry for that!! I didn't have a lot to update, but what I did was a bit lengthy!!



:)

love to all
larissa

Super quick update!!

So this blog won't be as fancy.. fun.. or as long as my others.. only because I'm on my phone keying this up and don't have the patients.

But I did want to part an update for those following my journey so you know where I'm at!!

Things in our house got a little crazy!

We weighed in for our diet bet back on April 16th/17th. On the 16th I was feeling pretty defeated because I wasn't there yet.. ((I had been REALLY good with food and exercise)) but found out I had 48 hours to report my weight. On the 17th I was still struggling in the early AM.. but walked and managed to weight in under my goal and get it submitted before work! Fast forward.. we both completed our goals, under weight, and won our bets!!! So we signed up for another one before our cruise.


Then...... I got what I believe to be food poisioning. It. Was. Miserable.
It lasted almost a full week. So almost an entire week of barely eating.. and when I did, it was like... 1 full meal that day. So it was a challenge. We had so much going on though, that I couldn't stop life! So I had to carry on.

Things finally started to calm down...... And my husband ((Corey)) broke his ankle. Such a terrible, unfortunate situation. Things again were put on hold. We didn't have time to deal with things. He can't drive right now.. he couldn't go on his trip this weekend to LA.. And I've been taking care of him... My wife duty! I'm not complaining by any means. He didn't want this to happen. It's a sad event. He didn't deserve this... But here we are! So.. we're dealing! We're a team.. and I'm happy to do whatever I can to help and make him comfortable.


Today, along with getting his car from his work, picking up a scooter to make his life easier and hanging out.. I was finally able to get some groceries to hopefully help set us back up for success.

I've mostly maintained my weight... around the 33lbs down mark... So, I'm at ease knowing that even though I'm not being the best version of myself or making the best decisions, I'm still doing okay.

Once I get back to the grind I know I'll feel much better.

Life is just starting to get busy again... So I know I need to get into a routine before it eats me alive!!


But I just wanted you to know.. I'm here. I'm in a challenging situation right now.. but it wouldn't be us if we weren't going through SOMETHING, right?!!!!


Thank you all, so very much, for being such an amazing support system.

I'll be back at it in no time.

About 33ish lbs down!

:)

love to all
larissa

I've been lifeing...

Its been a bit, and I've been "lifeing" but here I am!!!

There's been a lot going on, and I haven't had a lot to say. I've sat down to write a few times, but slowly closed the computer screen right back down moments later. But here I am!

About 6 months ago my mother-in-law hosted a LuLaRoe pop-up party! ((for those who are not familiar, it is clothing that is sold online or by a pop-up party. not all inventory is the same from consultant to consultant, and you cant just go in a store and purchase it)) I loved this dress, and my momma offered to get it for me..... but she would only hand it over under 1 condition. I didn't get it till I lost 30bs. I happily agreed, as I knew it was much needed for me to do so.. and as much as that seems like a bribe just to lose weight.. my mom's heart was in the right place. I NEEDED to lose the weight.

last week... I got my dress!!

I know that lula isn't everyones cup of tea when it comes to clothes. Some of the patterns are a little wild. But for me, its comforting! Its more flattering on me then a lot of other things I own. It is more flowy for girls with curves, and I feel good in it. and let me 1000% honest when I say - I couldn't stand putting on jeans for a period of time a few months ago, because I'll be dammed if I was going to size up AGAIN, and I didn't feel comfortable in the ones I owned.
**true life story. I cant tell you how many times I had to tell myself "I WONT SIZE UP AGAIN" ... and I did. .. and I did.... and then, I couldn't do it again.

Last weekend, my mom and I drove over to Spokane and enjoyed the weekend and Easter with my brother, sister-in-law, niece.. and my other brother and his girlfriend who drove over too! Dad was sick. :( So rather than getting everyone else sick, he stayed home. And Uncle Corey had to work. :( So he stayed back as well.

For anyone who didn't see pictures - we had a blast!!!!

And my niece is now in LOVE with Silly String!!!! :)

I still got my workouts in! In the Hagen Family gym... walking on the mill while my brother did his biking! Then later that afternoon, he was going for a run.. Knowing I couldn't keep up with him and Jens by foot, we decided I'd bike... It took 3 days, but I FINALLY stopped hurting! :D Its a street bike, so the tires and seat and MUCH smaller than a normal ridding bike. But, I did it!!!! I almost didn't leave the street and gave up.. but I didn't want to give up. I wanted to say that I could do it! I wanted to prove myself wrong. it hurt. it was painful. and I had no idea what I was doing with all the gears! but, I did it!!! I felt like I was dragging him down a bit, but he wasn't unhappy with me! They are such great supporters of me!! I was happy to get to do that with him!!

I'm not like a regular aunt!! I'm a cool aunt! :)

and Angie, Kristina, and I went for a walk Easter morning!

It was a nice, brisk, chilly, but beautiful day out!!

I love getting an opportunity to spend time with family! I've missed them so very much!! Its the first time I've seen them since Christmas. It was a much needed visit! My niche is hilarious!! She's got jokes for days!! It helps that she has such a hilarious aunt!! ;)

I joined a diet bet... yeah- me. I know. right?! ((for those of you, unsure of what that is - I bet $30 I could lose 4% of my weight in 4 weeks. If I succeed, I get my money back, as well as part of the pot of money.. the game takes a portion and the winners take a portion. if EVERY person wins, then we at least get our money back.)) As of yesterday, I still needed to drop 5lbs. I was extremely overwhelmed over it. I was starting to feel like I was going to fail. I don't want to fail my first one. I don't want to feel defeated on the first one I attempt. but - HUGE stress relief, this morning I weighted in only 1lb away!!! Hopefully I can lose another 2-3lbs before next Monday morning when we weigh in! It helps that we got our grocery shopping done and our meal prep going on again!!

I took a few "life" days .. and even though I still maintained my 5 days or more exercising a week (my goal), I wasn't super on the ball with my eating. I pretty much stayed around the same weight, give or take a pound.. but since I wasn't losing anything, I needed to reset and shock the system. I was getting down on myself for just staying flatlined. I was over the same things day in and day out. I was mad at food for being food... and most of all, going out, wasn't as satisfying as we'd hoped it'd be! ((unless it was Mexican. Mexican food NEVER disappoints me!)) I felt super behind on my bet, since I was staying in one place... and I was beginning to feel like a failure again. and I WASNT going to let myself do that. I wasn't going to lose 30lbs, and stop there. So, here we are... back to our home dinners. cooking together. having dinner with my husband at the dinner table. that's the kind of stability I need in my life!

I like to call them "life" days, rather than "cheat" days or "splurge" days.. I shouldn't feel like I'm doing something wrong, just because I'm enjoying life!! If I want to go out to eat for dinner, with friends, I can. I'm an adult! As long as I'm not going out to eat EVERY night with friends, 1 night every few weeks is perfectly fine. its simply living life!!!

my goal was to lose 20 more pounds before our cruise. I'm more like 18ish away now.. but I'm not sure if I'll reach that goal since I'm only 6 weeks away. if I do.. it'll be 50lbs down!! that's huge! :)

SO huge for me.

I'm still not seeing a change in my physical appearance. Sometimes I see a little change in my face.. but that's about it. My body doesn't look very different in my eyes. but, as long as the scale is moving.. I'm happy! I know there are other victories.. like - measurements, or just feeling good... and trust me.. I feel a LOT better after getting back to eating at home again.

and for the record... my brother and sister-in-law have a wall full of mirrors in their workout room... so I did finally take full shots. I'll share them, but.. it makes me feel a lot self conscious and a little defeated.... however - I know it'll be good for a future reference.

so here you are...

I can also feel the weight loss in my treadmill walking, too... I haven't gotten shin splints in a bit.. which is GREAT! Those are terrible. and hurt TREMENDIOUSLY. Its a victory in its self when I can get through an hour walk, without those!! Now its building up my legs on the bike! ((if you remember, my brother offered us his bike they no longer wanted... we now have it in our possession!)) Yesterday I did 10 mins.. today, 15mins with breaks. its no joke!! but I'm bound to get to 30mins to an hour!!! I balance it out with my walks on the mill.

I'm certainly happy at about 2-3lbs of loss a week. I'm not in a rush to lose the weight, but I am going to lose it. that's that. I know it took me many years of gaining the weight, to have it.. so it'll take me some time to get it off. I gave my self a 2 year goal to get down to 150...

((I might be repeating things from previous blogs at times.. but bear with me!!))

I just want to be healthy. it doesn't matter how long it takes to get there.. its about the process of moving and making better decisions!!

Overall, I'm glad that its a change in our home.. not just in my personal life. Having someone else doing the same thing, is great! I admire how hard my husband is working on his weight and lifestyle too!

p.s.- #selfieoritdidnthappen

((not all these pictures are from the same day. bahahaha...

I apparently just like to wear the same thing a lot when I workout!!!!))

32.8lbs down!!!!

:)

love to all

larissa

Weekend Review! :)

I've had a great weekend, and I don't have a whole lot to talk about today, other than a quick update and some things I want to share that I'm proud of myself about!

...

Corey left town on Thursday morning, to spend St. Patrick's Day with his bestfriend in Kansas City... I'm happy to report that I've stayed on track with eating and exercising every day that he has been away!!
(p.s.- I didn't have a great weekend BECAUSE he was gone... I just had a great weekend, despite his being away!!)

Thursday afternoon I took two long walks with my bff, Megan! We walked a trail, and then went back to her house and got dinner ready and had dinner there (a small taco salad.. mostly lettuce!), and then decided to take a long walk around the neighborhood after! It was nice to get a good walk in, that was out in the beautiful outdoors! This was the sunset that night. A picture couldn't even capture its beauty, but I tried!!

Then Friday after work, I mostly hung around the house - walked on the mill, made dinner for myself.... I cooked up Spaghetti - which, I LOVE, but don't have often in our house. I measured everything out.. the noodles, the sauce.. and had a can of green beans with it. It was actually less calories than I thought it would be. Normally on a day like that - if Corey wasn't home, I'd go have dinner alone in a restaurant bar... and it definitely wouldn't be healthy, and wouldn't be low in calorie, or small in size. After dinner, I decided to get our grocery shopping done... and on my way to Costco, the sunset was just unbelievably STUNNING. I didn't even take a picture (although EVERYONE was outside taking pictures!! because I knew a picture couldn't even begin to justify it!!) I love this time of year, for the nightly beauty!

Yesterday I took off early, to get out of the house since they were working on the roof all day and I needed to get my car either out of the driveway and down the street, or just gone in general. So I headed to my parents early in the AM. Megan and I planned a walk and I decided I wanted to take Zaggy with! Kiska drags her paws when she walks. :( So taking her on walks is nearly impossible without bloody paws within minutes.. but Zaggy was in heaven!!! She was soooo good, too! She loved every second, and I cant wait to take her again!! :) I told my mom I want to come take her maybe once a week!!

This was her during the walk.... and then her after the walk!!!

Last nights dinner was a little more of a splurge, but I knew it was going to be, which is why I tried to be very smart about my choices in the days leading up! I've been told this before, and try to keep it in mind that it is a very 80%/20%... as long as I'm good 80% of the time, 20% I can enjoy a special meal!! If I don't let my self.. that's when I get depressed about food.


Today I joined Megan again on an adventure taking Titan to do his Easter pictures! He looked so handsome!! We walked around a little while killing time till it was our turn.. but my steps weren't very high.. so I walked the mill for an hr this afternoon. sometimes its more of a dreadmill - as my brother calls it! HAHA! but afterward I feel much much better about doing it!!


Overall, I know that I had a few things this weekend, that were more than needed.. but life is about balance and I feel refreshed after getting some friend time, and some fresh air!! :)


again.. not tons to report.. just like keeping track of my life! :) Some days after eating crap, I couldn't feel worse. I look at what I ate, and I think... WHAT was I thinking and doing.
I still need to get my goals in line. Its harder than I thought it would be!! But one of my goals is to sit down and do my goals!! lol.. and plan out my weight loss ideals.

the other day, my co-worker asked me a question, and when responding to her- everything just all the sudden went off like a lightbulb in my head...

Most try to lose 2ish lbs a week.... we're 11 weeks into the year which would be about 22lbs. I didn't start till week 3, so we're looking more at 9 weeks - 18lbs.... and I'm currently at 29.2lbs lost. I'm doing MORE than what I would like to do. So on those days where I don't see the scale move, I need to remind myself that... its okay! we're okay! you are doing GREAT! and just keep moving!! :)


29.2lbs down!!

:)

love to all

larissa

if you see me running...

...you should probably turn and run too... cause somethings probably wrong!!

In fact.. I'm actually very lucky to have a treadmill at home. because if I was at the gym, people would probably be videoing me and sending it to America's Funniest Home Videos!!
(is that still a thing?)
Not because I look funny (well, maybe I do) but because I put my headphones in, and practically have a Zumba session on the mill while walking! :D


On that note.. I'd love new song ideas for my "iii i workout" playlist.. So if you got anything you love to listen to, that's mostly upbeat, dance type music, I'll consider it! :)

"You cant stop lookin at me, staring at me, be what I be..

you cant stop lookin at me so get out of my face" is currently my favorite!

(p.s.- I just spend 20mins watching California Cow videos. its good for the soul!)

Thanks to those of you for the cauliflower ideas from the last blog.. we're going to give it another shot or two.. tonight we're going to roast cauli and broccoli in the oven with our beef patties. we'll see how it goes!! The broccoli is a buffer... in case the cauliflower is still dissatisfying! :)

My brother and sister in law offered us their stationary bike. I'm SOOOO excited for that. We're going to have our own home gym in no time! kidding.. but still SO excited. it'll give me a little variation of something to do other than the mill... (I love the mill, don't get me wrong.. I'd rather do that, then a lot of other things, haha)

I'm going to sit down and start a list of goals for myself, and our life. I don't know if I'll share them or not.. but its something that was suggested to me, and I think its a good thing to do.
I read something, that said its good to focus on the now, present, and current things in life and situations... and not to get caught up in goals and the future.. (I'm guessing because of the pressure it puts on you) and yes, that is good.. but I also feel that sometimes without goals and things you are aspiring to reach and be, you might get lost in what you are now.
I feel like for far too long, I've become stationary. I've let the days go by, and not done anything to help myself, because.. tomorrow is another day.. it'll come. it'll go.... and I'll still be the in the same position I am now... and I feel like that's kind of a way you get when you are facing depression..... let me just get through this.

If I can just get through today, tomorrow will come and things will be better.

but they aren't.

They aren't better, because I'm not better......

But now that I'm spending time working on myself, and who I am in my relationship with my husband, family, friends, and in general.. I'm much happier. I know sometimes it doesn't show.. or I still get lost in my resting bitch face (RBF), but I truly am becoming happier.

I like deciding dinner plans with my husband.. even if its nothing more exciting then me cooking up chicken stir-fry! (which I did.. and was good, btw!) I feel a little victorious when I submit my tracking for the day and I'm under my goal! I like seeing the numbers go down on the scale and get a little sad when they don't move. I know that sometimes its not about the number on the scale moving but how you as a person feel.. but it sure is a nice thing to physically see.

I like grocery shopping with my husband! Even if we only got 2 stupid Monopoly pieces yesterday. UGH! I told him I was going to push the lady in front of us down outside, and steal her pieces. SHE GOT A BUNCH!!!!!!
-but I didn't. because its wrong... oh, and he looked at me like I was crazy. and I probably am.


I like going to a restaurant and actually thinking about what I'm ordering... even if I still get one of the worst things on the menu in the end, I know that its just one meal, and I'll get back on track. I'm not letting it get in my head that I'm done for!!!! and, since I exercised that day, I feel much better about having a "cheat" meal, so to speak....


Writing has truly helped me. Even if I'm babbling or it becomes uninteresting to read, it really is helping me center my thoughts. Popping my headphones in, becoming a keyboard warrior and getting it all out there.. it is making me feel a little more accomplished and helping me have something to look back at! and.. its when I get quiet that I'm most likely slipping back down the rabbit hole... because this keeps me accountable. You guys keep me accountable. Knowing people are following my journey and touching base with me, and reading this... THIS keeps me accountable. I'm doing it for myself.. but it gives me a little fuel, and a little push.

Shout out to my amazing husband (Corey) who is on this journey with me... for losing 40lbs so far!!! I'm so proud of you!

and so lucky to call you mine!

25lbs down..

and #selfieoritdidnthappen is still in FULL effect to my brother every day!

(they are just REALLY unflattering pictures.) bahahaha

:)

love to all
larissa

Am I just eating because I'm bored?

I'm a little proud of myself! The last two days I got out of bed at 4:45.... in the AM... and walked an hour before work! yeah.. me!! I know! Right?! Banked 4 hours on the mill since Sunday!!

My knees are killing me.. but they're tired. so- that's that... and my shin splints come and go depending on if they like me or loath me. Some days I can walk for awhile on a 3-5 incline, and other days they beg me to slow it down on a zero (incline that is... not a zero speed!). Its crazy how far one way to the other it can be.

I've tried to be good about calories.. I was under on Sunday, about right at yesterday, and then under again today! And that isn't counting my exercising calories!! :)
and I drink water like its free. which - is funny - cause we actually go and fill water at the store! :D
-okay.. I thought it was funny.


If you're wondering what my basic meals are.. during the week, my breakfast and lunch is pretty much the same, and pretty basic.

-Breakfast: Smoothie... Scoop of chocolate Whey, cup of unsweetened Almond milk, cup of frozen strawberries, and a full banana... I usually eat that after my walk (when I get it in...) or first thing when I start work... then I start in on my water about an hour after.

-Lunch: Chicken... somewhere between 5-8ozs... we just decreased the oz this week to 5-5.5.. it was a good change! I also have 2 hardboiled eggs.. and a cheese stick! (really I just like to pull it apart and eat it in strips! :D)

If I have snacks, its usually something I know the measurement of.... grapes, peanut butter balls (great to pop a few in the middle of the night when I wake up with the feeling of a headache coming!), gold fish, or cereal bars/fig bars. 100 calorie bags of popcorn (buy off amazon! seriously. WAY better deal than the store!!) and I enjoy the occasional cup of hot chocolate.. sometimes fat free, sometimes regular!

Dinner is whatever we're feeling.. we create our meals and shop accordingly on Friday afternoon or Saturday. we try to be easy, but not too bland, so that we're keeping meals enjoyable!!

As I said the other day... I track everything!!! even a few gold fish.. I track! It doesn't always spark a "oh, I shouldn't eat that" as much as it keeps me in line to know when in the future this meal or that choice wasn't the BEST.


Lets talk about cauliflower. Ugh. or lets not!!!! ;)
we've now given it 3 tries and I cannot tell you it'll be okay! I want to give it one more try- I want to try to make it into fried rice (obviously fried cauliflower) but that's my last shot. if it isn't good by then, I'm done.
I gave it a fair shake! I feel like 3-4 honest tries, made different ways.. that's more than I'll give some things!!




I haven't been sleeping well. My fitbit will basically tell you I'm up and down all night. If I had my way, I'd go to bed between 8 and 9... since I'm getting up earlier now.... but when I go lay down, my head is just racing and I cant stop! yesterday it took about 30 mins to fall asleep... the night before, about 25. maybe there's a secret out there? its not like I'm entranced in a show or anything.. cause hello, DVR... (I mean..sometimes sisterwives.. but seriously. DVR!!)
but I just get to a point in my day, where I'm no longer tired.
WHAT?!!! Me? Cant sleep? this is the girl that could sleep ANYWHERE, ANY time!!!!
yeah.. I know!


One nice thing... my jeans are not tight. - EVERY time I had to go jean shopping, I'd tell myself... I'm NOT going up another damn size again. I will NOT do it. but, then reality comes around, and I need another pair, and guess what - I gained weight. there is no choice but to go naked, or go up a size...... let me tell you- I never went naked. thank goodness - I guess. but, seriously. in the back of my mind- I was like... well, I guess if I gain the weight, I'll just have to figure it out. jeans get tight... I'll figure it out...... its a horrible mind process. I haven't tried on my other pair yet, since I pretty much only wear jeans when I leave the house - but I'm hopeful that they'll be somewhat loose.
Perks of working from home #324435: I LIVE in leggings. its a beautiful, comfortable life! ;)
((that is, until you realize you've gotten WAY too comfortable in pants that don't have to button.))


This:

is currently how I'm feeling.... I'm not a brave person. I'm not someone who feels comfortable showing skin. I'm not okay wearing bathing suits that show my middle, and "embracing" my weight like some women. if you feel like you are brave enough to do so, that is totally on you! but I have never really been comfortable in my own skin... so, it is not like me to do such a thing.


I have before pictures from a few years ago- that I'm even bigger than now.. but I wont take them in a sports bra. Tee-shirt and pants work for me.




I don't think I'll look back and wish I did, either.

I don't think its anything I want to see, nor anyone else.


I think just continuing to take care of myself, and be supportive of my husband.. that is my main goal and focus right now!



After my last post, the amount of love, encouragement, and respect I was shown, was amazing. There are literally no words to express how blessed I felt with the amount of people who reached out. Even those who just read it, are helping my journey as well.. because I know people are going to be holding me accountable. That is SO important in a journey like this. It is NOT easy, and I'm not going to pretend that it is going to be. It is SO easy to get here. but it is SO hard to come from here. I follow people on social media that I see go from a heavier weight than I was, to a much lower weight than I am... I know its possible. but, I know that sometimes it takes a village. sometimes you need people behind you cheering you on. even if you don't admit it.
I know I'll need to get to a point where I work even harder. I know just walking on the mill an hour or two a day is not going to be enough... I know I need to get back in the gym and join those classes, or work on those weights.. but I'm proud of myself for where I'm at as of yet!

23lbs down!! about 145ish to go!


:)

love to all-
larissa

Here we are again...

and so it begins... almost 3 years past my last entry. I don't know what it is about this time, but I'm more dedicated than that of previously.
I wanted to do videos. but I have a horrible mouth, don't know how to edit, and don't want to have a bad mouth on camera!

I'm not in denial or naive to the fact that I'm overweight. I see it every day. On my body, in the mirror, in my shadow.. in how hard it is to do things, that my weight is constricting me to do. The normal things, ya know? like.. walking fast without having to catch my breath.. or climbing up on things without having to plop down... and most of all, can whatever I'm doing, be handled by my weight.


at the beginning of this year- I was at what I'm sure to be, the highest weight I have ever seen myself. 319. three hundred and nineteen pounds. yep. that's right. its embarrassing to admit that. I am not telling you, because its a comfortable thing to share. and I'm not telling you to shame myself. I'm admitting it, because its a fact, and its a reminder that I don't want to be that. I no longer want to be that girl.

there are numerous things I could blame my weight on.... after my mom's accident, my weight even more so, spiraled out of control. can I blame the accident? sure... but really - it was just what I used to COPE with the accident. I didn't take care of myself. That, there, then.. pushed me over the edge. working a lot- oh, lets have fast food. I don't know how to cook.. oh! cool, reason to eat out. I don't take responsibility in controlling my bad habits.

this year, we have only eaten out a handful of times. this year, I try and track EVERYTHING. (my fitness pal). this year, I wear my fitbit religiously. this year, I haven't let situations dictate my eating habits. dealing with the death of a family member did not trigger me. dealing with struggles at work, did not trigger me. I may have been stressed to the max, but I've worked hard this year to change my eating habits. and the bigggggggest factor. My husband is by my side. He is my biggest supporter, and he is doing the same thing for himself. We're a team, and we're in this together. There are times, where I don't know how I got so lucky to have someone who loves me so much. how I deserved to have a husband like him.

I have been a depressed mess lately. I take things out on him that I shouldn't. I'm not in a depressed "I'm going to take drastic actions" kind of depressed. I would never even consider that. I've been more like- I'm alone in my own head, kind of depressed. Working from home can be lonely. -I don't want to change, that.. trust me. it's also a luxury! but when you don't leave the house to go to work, and when its over, you are already home, and you don't leave except to go to your other job twice a week.. and the only person you see is your husband (who you LOVE, very much..... don't get me wrong) it can get lonely in your mind.

I need to figure out a release somewhere.

I haven't seen many friends this year. timing I suppose has been an issue. and when you are trying not to eat out, that is a factor, too... I've missed them so much.. sometimes just having someone to talk to, that isn't the person you are married to, is very much needed.

my husband is amazing. he preps our lunches for the week.. when he's home on two of my work days, he usually makes me lunch.. he helps around the house. we plan our dinners together, and grocery shop together.. he is my rock. makes me laugh, and deals with my crazy mind.


so far this year, I'm down 20lbs. I'm currently in a slump, because I haven't been as committed on the eating part. not horrible, but a few bad days. it doesn't make me bad.. just hasn't been helping the scale move. however, I have been getting on the treadmill... or the "mill" as I call it! :) I started with about 30mins of walking and now I'm up to 60mins and trying to change up the speed and incline when I can!

I'm looking in to starting a "plan"... like- the Couch to 5K - to give me a goal. I'm not an exercise junky. I never have been. I don't crave it, I dread it. I get shin splints like you wouldn't believe. but my legs, knees, and body have endured a lot of abuse from me. My goal, right now, is to be able to do a run with my dad! I want to do a fun run with him, and not be a horrid overweight, cant breathe, cant keep up with him mess.


if you've made it this far- as you can tell, this year has brought some big changes that have been big steps in the right direction. I'm a lucky girl, and I need to keep reminding myself, that I need me time- and I need to take time to make sure I'm fulfilling my needs.


I want to start reading more. I want to start pulling myself away from the screen as much, and dedicating more time to how I can keep my marriage strong (not that there are issues, just to be clear! just want to keep our marriage strong and be a team!) keep happiness in our lives, and figure out how to change my attitude and outlook on life. He doesn't deserve a bad attitude coming from me on the daily.



I need to remember that no one ever did anything to me. I need to stop treating life like it owes me something. I need to remember that every day is a gift. I need to make positive changes in my life, so that I remember to be grateful for everything I've got.


I also- don't want my best friend (my niche, Miss. Nora) to look at her aunt, and be embarrassed, or feel like I cant do the things she wants me to do, because my weight restricts me.... like when she wanted me to go down the slide at the playground, but my thighs wouldn't allow it. telling a 4 year old you cant do it, and you'd rather go down the other way- doesn't make sense to her.... but to me, it was devastation.



I hope 2018 has brought great changes to all of you as well. and if it hasn't.. then I hope you are able to figure out where your unhappiness is coming from. It is not easy to admit when you need help. I for sure don't like to admit it.

some of my unhappiness, was simply just feeling like I wasn't good enough for people. and I need to remember that I'm me.. I cant change that. I also need to remember that people are busy. and people don't always have time for me. and that's okay. but its also okay to admit when you need people. just because people aren't talking to you, doesn't mean it is a personal thing. sometimes they legit just don't have time in their life for you. and that is okay, too.



now I'm just rambling. but please know - if you are feeling this way, that you are not alone.  I hope you can find something in your life that means happiness to you- and dedicate yourself to it! right now, happiness is taking care of me, and my relationship and making us the healthiest "us" we can be!


here is a lovely collage that only my brother has seen. at first I started sending these to him as a joke... #selfieoritdidnthappen .... now I send it as a way to be held accountable for working out.

love to you all!
larissa