I wanted to do videos. but I have a horrible mouth, don't know how to edit, and don't want to have a bad mouth on camera!
I'm not in denial or naive to the fact that I'm overweight. I see it every day. On my body, in the mirror, in my shadow.. in how hard it is to do things, that my weight is constricting me to do. The normal things, ya know? like.. walking fast without having to catch my breath.. or climbing up on things without having to plop down... and most of all, can whatever I'm doing, be handled by my weight.
at the beginning of this year- I was at what I'm sure to be, the highest weight I have ever seen myself. 319. three hundred and nineteen pounds. yep. that's right. its embarrassing to admit that. I am not telling you, because its a comfortable thing to share. and I'm not telling you to shame myself. I'm admitting it, because its a fact, and its a reminder that I don't want to be that. I no longer want to be that girl.
there are numerous things I could blame my weight on.... after my mom's accident, my weight even more so, spiraled out of control. can I blame the accident? sure... but really - it was just what I used to COPE with the accident. I didn't take care of myself. That, there, then.. pushed me over the edge. working a lot- oh, lets have fast food. I don't know how to cook.. oh! cool, reason to eat out. I don't take responsibility in controlling my bad habits.
this year, we have only eaten out a handful of times. this year, I try and track EVERYTHING. (my fitness pal). this year, I wear my fitbit religiously. this year, I haven't let situations dictate my eating habits. dealing with the death of a family member did not trigger me. dealing with struggles at work, did not trigger me. I may have been stressed to the max, but I've worked hard this year to change my eating habits. and the bigggggggest factor. My husband is by my side. He is my biggest supporter, and he is doing the same thing for himself. We're a team, and we're in this together. There are times, where I don't know how I got so lucky to have someone who loves me so much. how I deserved to have a husband like him.
I have been a depressed mess lately. I take things out on him that I shouldn't. I'm not in a depressed "I'm going to take drastic actions" kind of depressed. I would never even consider that. I've been more like- I'm alone in my own head, kind of depressed. Working from home can be lonely. -I don't want to change, that.. trust me. it's also a luxury! but when you don't leave the house to go to work, and when its over, you are already home, and you don't leave except to go to your other job twice a week.. and the only person you see is your husband (who you LOVE, very much..... don't get me wrong) it can get lonely in your mind.
I need to figure out a release somewhere.
I haven't seen many friends this year. timing I suppose has been an issue. and when you are trying not to eat out, that is a factor, too... I've missed them so much.. sometimes just having someone to talk to, that isn't the person you are married to, is very much needed.
my husband is amazing. he preps our lunches for the week.. when he's home on two of my work days, he usually makes me lunch.. he helps around the house. we plan our dinners together, and grocery shop together.. he is my rock. makes me laugh, and deals with my crazy mind.
so far this year, I'm down 20lbs. I'm currently in a slump, because I haven't been as committed on the eating part. not horrible, but a few bad days. it doesn't make me bad.. just hasn't been helping the scale move. however, I have been getting on the treadmill... or the "mill" as I call it! :) I started with about 30mins of walking and now I'm up to 60mins and trying to change up the speed and incline when I can!
I'm looking in to starting a "plan"... like- the Couch to 5K - to give me a goal. I'm not an exercise junky. I never have been. I don't crave it, I dread it. I get shin splints like you wouldn't believe. but my legs, knees, and body have endured a lot of abuse from me. My goal, right now, is to be able to do a run with my dad! I want to do a fun run with him, and not be a horrid overweight, cant breathe, cant keep up with him mess.
if you've made it this far- as you can tell, this year has brought some big changes that have been big steps in the right direction. I'm a lucky girl, and I need to keep reminding myself, that I need me time- and I need to take time to make sure I'm fulfilling my needs.
I want to start reading more. I want to start pulling myself away from the screen as much, and dedicating more time to how I can keep my marriage strong (not that there are issues, just to be clear! just want to keep our marriage strong and be a team!) keep happiness in our lives, and figure out how to change my attitude and outlook on life. He doesn't deserve a bad attitude coming from me on the daily.
I need to remember that no one ever did anything to me. I need to stop treating life like it owes me something. I need to remember that every day is a gift. I need to make positive changes in my life, so that I remember to be grateful for everything I've got.
I also- don't want my best friend (my niche, Miss. Nora) to look at her aunt, and be embarrassed, or feel like I cant do the things she wants me to do, because my weight restricts me.... like when she wanted me to go down the slide at the playground, but my thighs wouldn't allow it. telling a 4 year old you cant do it, and you'd rather go down the other way- doesn't make sense to her.... but to me, it was devastation.
I hope 2018 has brought great changes to all of you as well. and if it hasn't.. then I hope you are able to figure out where your unhappiness is coming from. It is not easy to admit when you need help. I for sure don't like to admit it.
some of my unhappiness, was simply just feeling like I wasn't good enough for people. and I need to remember that I'm me.. I cant change that. I also need to remember that people are busy. and people don't always have time for me. and that's okay. but its also okay to admit when you need people. just because people aren't talking to you, doesn't mean it is a personal thing. sometimes they legit just don't have time in their life for you. and that is okay, too.
now I'm just rambling. but please know - if you are feeling this way, that you are not alone. I hope you can find something in your life that means happiness to you- and dedicate yourself to it! right now, happiness is taking care of me, and my relationship and making us the healthiest "us" we can be!
here is a lovely collage that only my brother has seen. at first I started sending these to him as a joke... #selfieoritdidnthappen .... now I send it as a way to be held accountable for working out.
love to you all!
larissa
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