Here we are again...

and so it begins... almost 3 years past my last entry. I don't know what it is about this time, but I'm more dedicated than that of previously.
I wanted to do videos. but I have a horrible mouth, don't know how to edit, and don't want to have a bad mouth on camera!

I'm not in denial or naive to the fact that I'm overweight. I see it every day. On my body, in the mirror, in my shadow.. in how hard it is to do things, that my weight is constricting me to do. The normal things, ya know? like.. walking fast without having to catch my breath.. or climbing up on things without having to plop down... and most of all, can whatever I'm doing, be handled by my weight.


at the beginning of this year- I was at what I'm sure to be, the highest weight I have ever seen myself. 319. three hundred and nineteen pounds. yep. that's right. its embarrassing to admit that. I am not telling you, because its a comfortable thing to share. and I'm not telling you to shame myself. I'm admitting it, because its a fact, and its a reminder that I don't want to be that. I no longer want to be that girl.

there are numerous things I could blame my weight on.... after my mom's accident, my weight even more so, spiraled out of control. can I blame the accident? sure... but really - it was just what I used to COPE with the accident. I didn't take care of myself. That, there, then.. pushed me over the edge. working a lot- oh, lets have fast food. I don't know how to cook.. oh! cool, reason to eat out. I don't take responsibility in controlling my bad habits.

this year, we have only eaten out a handful of times. this year, I try and track EVERYTHING. (my fitness pal). this year, I wear my fitbit religiously. this year, I haven't let situations dictate my eating habits. dealing with the death of a family member did not trigger me. dealing with struggles at work, did not trigger me. I may have been stressed to the max, but I've worked hard this year to change my eating habits. and the bigggggggest factor. My husband is by my side. He is my biggest supporter, and he is doing the same thing for himself. We're a team, and we're in this together. There are times, where I don't know how I got so lucky to have someone who loves me so much. how I deserved to have a husband like him.

I have been a depressed mess lately. I take things out on him that I shouldn't. I'm not in a depressed "I'm going to take drastic actions" kind of depressed. I would never even consider that. I've been more like- I'm alone in my own head, kind of depressed. Working from home can be lonely. -I don't want to change, that.. trust me. it's also a luxury! but when you don't leave the house to go to work, and when its over, you are already home, and you don't leave except to go to your other job twice a week.. and the only person you see is your husband (who you LOVE, very much..... don't get me wrong) it can get lonely in your mind.

I need to figure out a release somewhere.

I haven't seen many friends this year. timing I suppose has been an issue. and when you are trying not to eat out, that is a factor, too... I've missed them so much.. sometimes just having someone to talk to, that isn't the person you are married to, is very much needed.

my husband is amazing. he preps our lunches for the week.. when he's home on two of my work days, he usually makes me lunch.. he helps around the house. we plan our dinners together, and grocery shop together.. he is my rock. makes me laugh, and deals with my crazy mind.


so far this year, I'm down 20lbs. I'm currently in a slump, because I haven't been as committed on the eating part. not horrible, but a few bad days. it doesn't make me bad.. just hasn't been helping the scale move. however, I have been getting on the treadmill... or the "mill" as I call it! :) I started with about 30mins of walking and now I'm up to 60mins and trying to change up the speed and incline when I can!

I'm looking in to starting a "plan"... like- the Couch to 5K - to give me a goal. I'm not an exercise junky. I never have been. I don't crave it, I dread it. I get shin splints like you wouldn't believe. but my legs, knees, and body have endured a lot of abuse from me. My goal, right now, is to be able to do a run with my dad! I want to do a fun run with him, and not be a horrid overweight, cant breathe, cant keep up with him mess.


if you've made it this far- as you can tell, this year has brought some big changes that have been big steps in the right direction. I'm a lucky girl, and I need to keep reminding myself, that I need me time- and I need to take time to make sure I'm fulfilling my needs.


I want to start reading more. I want to start pulling myself away from the screen as much, and dedicating more time to how I can keep my marriage strong (not that there are issues, just to be clear! just want to keep our marriage strong and be a team!) keep happiness in our lives, and figure out how to change my attitude and outlook on life. He doesn't deserve a bad attitude coming from me on the daily.



I need to remember that no one ever did anything to me. I need to stop treating life like it owes me something. I need to remember that every day is a gift. I need to make positive changes in my life, so that I remember to be grateful for everything I've got.


I also- don't want my best friend (my niche, Miss. Nora) to look at her aunt, and be embarrassed, or feel like I cant do the things she wants me to do, because my weight restricts me.... like when she wanted me to go down the slide at the playground, but my thighs wouldn't allow it. telling a 4 year old you cant do it, and you'd rather go down the other way- doesn't make sense to her.... but to me, it was devastation.



I hope 2018 has brought great changes to all of you as well. and if it hasn't.. then I hope you are able to figure out where your unhappiness is coming from. It is not easy to admit when you need help. I for sure don't like to admit it.

some of my unhappiness, was simply just feeling like I wasn't good enough for people. and I need to remember that I'm me.. I cant change that. I also need to remember that people are busy. and people don't always have time for me. and that's okay. but its also okay to admit when you need people. just because people aren't talking to you, doesn't mean it is a personal thing. sometimes they legit just don't have time in their life for you. and that is okay, too.



now I'm just rambling. but please know - if you are feeling this way, that you are not alone.  I hope you can find something in your life that means happiness to you- and dedicate yourself to it! right now, happiness is taking care of me, and my relationship and making us the healthiest "us" we can be!


here is a lovely collage that only my brother has seen. at first I started sending these to him as a joke... #selfieoritdidnthappen .... now I send it as a way to be held accountable for working out.

love to you all!
larissa

seriously hard.

This has been much harder for me, then I ever imagined it would be. I guess I just like food way too much.

 

I think the other problem, is I don't know when to stop.

 

Put food in front of me, and I chow.

 

 

I guess what I'm going to do now, is create a meal plan. Use my Sunday evening to prepare for the week. And stick to it.

 

 

I've gained some of the weight I worked at losing, back.. and I'm really disappointed with myself.

 

I know the only person I've let down is myself, but that's a pretty big deal when I'm doing this FOR myself.

 

The hard part about my day, is I'm up at 4am. I leave for work about 5:15 and if I have the time, I make a smoothie and grab a granola bar, and eat it on the way to work. Then I don't have lunch until 10:15. At that point, I eat whatever I've brought, or go buy something because I don't always have time to make my lunch. Big problem for me. Then I'm off at 3, and the reality is, if I didn't force myself to eat dinner some days, I might not eat... Because I'm not even hungry most days, but its been almost 6 hours since I ate lunch by the time I get home... And I know that's NOT good for me. So then I end up eating whatever is convenient, which is usually nothing good as well.

 

If I spend Sunday preparing for my week, then I wouldn't have to worry the morning of what I'm going to have that day. I also need to prepare snacks of fruits and veggies to eat on my breaks. That way I'm not so overly tired all day as I usually am.

 

I'm still trying to get my 4 liters of water in every day..  Some days I'll add in some crystal light packets, with the caffeine boost to help pick me up a little.. problem with those, is they have aspartame, and I've been trying to avoid that.

 

I still get my headaches every once in awhile, and I was thinking the aspartame might be to blame?!! But I NEED something to wake me up around 12:45, cause I'm about to crash! I basically only drink water, and its not exactly something that jolts me up!! And when I get my headaches, they usually last me a good 3-4 days. :(

 

 

 

Lastly, I NEED to get into the gym. I'm really upset with myself, for how lazy I am. I'm the only person to blame, but I'm SO tired. My schedule kicks my butt. I LOVE my job, but let me tell you! I work REALLY early!!!! I feel like the more tired I am, and not doing anything to better myself, is causing me to be grumpy and angry, which is causing me to come off that way to other people.

 

I'm going to try that "no complaining". I'm going to think before I say something that might bother me, because its definitely worse for someone else. I'm going to hope that it'll also take that grey cloud out from above my head. It's not hard to enjoy life. especially when you have things really good. I have a lot of good things going on in my life. I cannot keep letting little things get to me.

 

 

My idea of this meal planning- is going simplistic. Getting fruits, veggies, and chicken. Cutting and cooking it up on Sunday, and making my basic meals through the week.

If you have other ideas for basic things to do, please don't hesitate to offer. I need easy!

 

 

 

..slacking..

I've been slacking.

There's really no other way to put it.

Sometimes the mind set is: One bad meal ='s one bad day ='s one bad week ='s one bad month...

 

I NEED to retrain my brain.

 

 

 

I'll do okay for a few days, and then I'll have an off day, and I need to try hard to get back on track. I need to learn the word no. I need to learn that its okay to treat myself to something small, but I don't need something BIG. or TWO. or I can pass on something every once in awhile.

 

The easiest thing to do right now, would be to slump back into my old habits. To become who I know I'm better then. It's really hard to not be the person you've known your whole life. It's hard to want to better yourself, and not have the energy every day to fight the battle of losing weight. It's extremely hard to wake up every morning, get ready for the day- feeling like you are a beautiful person, and then throughout the day, see pictures of yourself, or look at yourself in a mirror and feel like you don't look good at all. Know that you have problems.

 

I want to impress people. Impress people with my strength and determination to be a better ME.

 

I have nothing to prove to anyone, but I still want to let it be known that I'm capable of bettering myself into the person I know that I can be.

 

 

I am SO happy in my life. I love my boyfriend. I love my family. I love my friends. I have a great job. An AMAZING support system. I have so many good things going on in my life. I am so beyond blessed for the things that I have in my life. I have never ever been deprived, nor went without.

But I'm not happy in my own skin.

and that's not okay.

 

 

Thank you for continuing to help my along my journey. I was afraid to weigh in this morning. So since the last time I weighed in- last Sunday- I was still around my 17lbs down mark, for the year. I will weigh in again next Sunday, hopefully permitting I have a better week then I did this last week.

It's hard when people auto-assume I'm at my "plateau".... no- I've just been lazy.

 

 

I just need to control my mind, and put my mind over matter.

 

 

Sometimes Later- Becomes Never

 

 

I didn't have a lot of time to write yesterday, as I was cramming it in before I got ready for work.. I just needed it to get out there, and be held accountable. Its really hard to better yourself. It is terribly hard to commit to changing your daily habits, even though I know how terribly important it is.

 

I stopped drinking pop on the 2nd of January.. I haven't had it but once this year. I try to drink between 2-4 liters of water a day, but its really hard when I sit all day, cause I constantly have to use the bathroom!! bahahaha. Corey got us started on these smoothies in the AM's, so I usually have that with a granola bar for breakfast. Then it gets difficult for the rest of the day! I've definitely found a better appreciation for zucchini, asparagus, and squash.. however its AMAZING how fast your calories add up.

 

I definitely need to get back into the gym.. Its really hard now that my schedule has changed. I cant go in the AM, cause I'm up at 4 for work... and I should definitely go in the afternoon, but I'm so tired by the time 3 rolls around. I just need to DO it. That's the hardest part. DOING it. I got my bag INto the car.. I just haven't taken it OUT of the car!

 

Another difficult thing is, I'm not a good cook. Its very hard for me to come up with things to eat, that aren't just a bowl of spaghetti o's! I've tried to make simple things that are low calorie, but it can be so time consuming when its just me 4 nights out of the week.

 

I've tried to get into salad. Sometimes I enjoy it. Other times I don't feel like it.

 

 

 

At the end of the day, I'm trying. I think more about the things that go into my mouth.. I think more about how much I eat. Sometimes I fix the situation, other times I just feel guilty about it, and eat it anyway... I need to break the guilt feeling. I need to know that I can have something if I want it, I just need to have it in moderation. I need to remember that I'm not doing this for anyone but myself. And that I need to do it, to life a healthier life.

 

 

17lbs down.. 110lbs-ish to go. I'll get there. All in good time. I'll get there.!

 

 

Back At It...

     Its been a rough last couple years, with everything our family has been going through. I don't mean to make excuses, but enduring the hardships of what my mom experienced, I tended to take it out on food. It was the consistent in life. Anyone and everyone who knows me, knows I've battled my weight my entire life. Except when I was about 5... I looked good then. Its no secret that I've always been overweight, and its no secret that I put on a VERY brave face to try and hide the fact that I'm VERY insecure about it. Its not that I don't think that I have a beautiful face, or a very loving heart, but I'm a very sarcastic person as well, and try to be too humorous at times, just to mask the person inside. I love my life. Don't get me wrong by any means. I have an amazing family, a loving boyfriend, his great family, and our outstanding friends. They mean everything to me. But this year- I needed to start doing things for myself.

     At the beginning of this year, 2015, we took it upon ourselves to start changing our habits. Who knew eating better, could help you lose 17ish lbs! So far that's where I'm at. The last few weeks I've kinda just stayed in the same area.... But I've decided to start writing about it again, in the hopes that it'll give me a little push to keep going. It hasn't been easy, but it hasn't been hard. Its a weird middle ground. You want to eat better, but eating bad is so much easier. Its interesting though, that when you start eating better, you sometimes crave that food instead of junk. Its been nice that we don't keep a lot of junk in the house. I know I've got to do this for me, and there's no better time then now to get it done. Just need to keep pushing.

     That is all for now.

 

     love.

 

Knowledge and Wisdom

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

 

 

 

This is hard for me.. because I know when I'm eating something I shouldn't.. I know when something isn't good for you, or when something is... but its hard for me to wrap my mind around a complete change.

 

I hate having to let go of so many good things... I'm a very picky eater to a point. I've been trying, but I can't say I've been trying my HARDEST. Which is upsetting to myself, because I know I could do much better then I have been.

 

Part of my mindset, is I know vacation is going to be a little rough to keep track on. I know we wont be eating out the whole time, or eating junk, but at the end of the day, its very hard to eat 100% healthy. So I've been thinking "I'll just do whatever til I get back, and then I'll buckle down." NO! I cannot think like that.. that's horrible.

 

I know I have so much more potential then I lead on.

 

I have to start the "job hunt" again after I get home from Florida... I need to find a position in a company that I'll be planning on staying with for a long while, and helps me be more stable. Right now I make enough to get by.. Pay the bills, and be done. I need to do more then just get buy. I cannot make a life with where I'm at right now.

 

I don't want to sound as though I blame my unhealthiness or my eating habits on the every day stresses of life, because I don't. but it sure is hard to be happy in life, when not all of your angles connect in the right place.

 

It will happen for me, I know it will. Soon everything will click into place. I'll find somewhere that makes me happy. Where I know when I put in all this energy into a job, its actually being recognized for what it is. Where I wont be as stressed, and things will come easy. (hopefully!)

 

I'm so excited for this vacation. Florida for a week. Boyfriend for a week. No work, for a week! I haven't spent much time with Corey lately because our schedules are just so off, but I'm so glad I get to have this much needed time with him! (and his family, of course!) :) Disney World is going to be a blast!!!

 

I'll update more when I get back from our trip. I'll let you know how the eating went. and how things are going to whip into shape when I get back. That includes maybe getting a gym membership or figuring out a schedule to go out and get some exercise.

 

Have a GREAT week!! :)

One Day...

THIS. IS. NOT. EASY...

I think the most frustrating part, is when I don't work... Lets be clear here- I LOVE my days off.. don't get me wrong. But I feel like when I'm in a rush, its easier to grab and go.. get everything set before hand. However if I'm home all day- or out the entire day, its hard for me to be good.

Yesterday my dad and I worked at the Kent Farmers Market from 8-2 and while there, I didn't eat. I did have a snocone- which isn't really good for you. But neither is going for 6 hours without eating. It was so hot out though, that even though I brought apples and nuts for a snack, I didn't feel like eating. We had BBQ for dinner, in which I tried to be good, but I was hungry.

I know it takes work, and I know its not easy. And luckily enough we don't have a WHOLE lot of junk in our house that's tempting.. and I've been really good about not eating out. Friday night we had a really late dinner, and we wanted something simple. My dad said just grab a burger and bring it home.. so I suggested taco bell so it would at least be a little better then burgers and fries... Not to say any fast food is good- but I tried to compare my options...

I have drank so much water in the last few days, I'm quite amazed with myself! Yesterday I had almost 2 liters before noon...

I try and drink a glass when I get up in the morning.. a bottle on my way to work.. and then I put a bottle in my lunch and refill it before going back to work... I've been doing really well- its just hard to force yourself to drink it. I LOVE water, I really do.. but I feel like I have to remember to drink it. With pop, I just drink it all the time, and am always thirsty... with water I'm not thirsty- so I forget to have it.

I'm worried about vacation at the end of the month!! We're going to Florida! That's going to be a hard one, to be good the whole time!!! But I'm going to try my hardest!! Its going to be hot, so water is definitely a must!! But I know I can make it work. Sucky thing is, I don't want to buy clothes, but I don't even own a pair of shorts... All my sundresses make me look pregnant, which is why I don't wear them in public.. and I don't want to wear pants the whole trip.

I don't even wish to be 110lbs.. I just want to be smaller, and healthier. Its so hard sometimes to see people do whatever they want, whenever they want, and I cant. I cant wear whatever I want, because I couldn't imagine people talking bad about what I look like. Which- I'm sure people do anyways, but I don't need to give them more reason. I'm not trying to impress people, but its just amazing when you think about all the things you are held back from.


One day, it'll be me.... one day.