where have I been?

This is a hard one to write... Where have I been?

wellllll... definitely have a mixed bag of answers for this one.

1) I made a secret promise to my self this year, that I was going to start living life with little to no apologizes. What I mean, behind that, is.. I wanted to start doing what I wanted to do, and not think twice about what that looked like.

So... we bought the Disneyland annual passes... we traveled a bit.. we attended the things.. we met the friends for the dinners... and I didn't think twice about the fact that we "should" or "shouldn't" do it.

I did tell myself I had to be a certain weight before buying those annual passes. But.. - We're only going to be this age for a short time. I want to experience as much as I can with my husband while we're still young. Even though it would have been a goal to reach, at what point, when do you stop saying "next year" .. "next time" .. "when I lose that 50lbs" ect.

I did want to lose the weight first.. but, I also want to do as much life experiences because we dont know what the future holds. This life is not promised. So - experience it now!

We also went and saw the otters, and other adorable animals!!!!

2) Is I felt defeated by my self. Self sabotaging at it's best. Things that I knew were wrong, I did anyway. Things I knew I shouldnt eat, I ate anyway. I didnt get up to exercise like I should.... and, you guessed it - I gained most of the weight I worked so hard to lose, back.

Thankfully, I've lost some of it again - but.. not all of  it, and it doesnt make up for all the backtracking I did to myself.

Food is a consistent battle with me. Consistent.
I'm always thinking about it.
I dont know why.. and I strongly dislike that feeling.
Sometimes at one meal, I'm thinking about what's going to be for the next one.
Other times I'm hoping what I'm making or ordering is going to be enough for how hungry I seem to think I am.
Even though I don't need it.

When you watch a lot of weight shows, one of the biggest things you hear is, about how hard of an upbringing these people had. Some traumatic situation that attributed to how they ultimately turned to food for that comfort.

Nothing like that ever happened to me.

I was not brought up in a house where I/we turned to food for comfort.

I had the perfect childhood.

I played sports.. I danced all the time. I was active.

All my closest friends were small.

We ate out, occasionally, but not a alot - most of the time dinner was at home, ready when I got home from said sports.

My brothers can gain and lose weight just by looking at a cheeseburger. (dont get me wrong, they work out, sometimes, too - but, you get it)

I can look at water and gain weight.

Put chips and salsa in front of me, and I have no self control.
I had to stop buying the chips and bringing them in to the house.
Cause I'm the only one that eats them, and I eat them ALL and fast.

I know something is a bad idea before I do it, and then I do it anyway, and then feel like crap.

#gofigure

but, sometimes I just dont know how to stop.

Its mental turmoil.

So- friends- I'm here - just... wrapped up in my own mind.

I finally got back on the mill - I'm not consistent with it, but I'm on it. and I got back to eating better - not perfect, but better.... and this last week, I surprisingly lost 6lbs (of the weight I gained back...).

The hardest thing is finding the perfect groove for myself, without setting my self into depression like I can easily do.

At least its baseball season - and if you know me at ALL - you know my energy is ALL sorts of invested right now. 

So, theres that.

I dont want to dissapoint anyone. my husband. my family. my friends. especailly myself. but - I know ultimately its not about them. its about me. and they will be proud of me as I take care of myself. But I can't help feeling a little like a failure sometimes....

Anyway. This is where I'm at. Food addiction is legit. It's the difference in your mind knowing a salad is better than pasta, but not wanting the salad so badly you could cry.
Sometimes salads sound good. But do does everything else I shouldn't eat.
Trying to tell my brain that, is challenging.

The good news is.. I'm drinking more water and I'm making lunches at home much more often again so that's helping..

Things will get better.
They will get harder, but they will get better.


Thanks for listening.

Hope all is well!!

:)

love to all-
larissa

Quick thoughts...

We're in the car driving home from Spokane.. quick trip over for Nora's 5th birthday party and back. Being farther away from them, it's nice to get those memories, even if short and simple!!
She had a great birthday party!! Lucky girl to have so many in her life that love her!!

She doesn't always love me taking her picture.. in fact, 9/10 she fights me on it... But some day she'll thank me! 😉

2 days old.. & 1,830 days old!

Being an aunt is hard work. I'm not mom, I'm not the parent, I'm not the discipliner.. I'm supposed to be fun.. I spoil, I love, and she has so much of my heart that when she hurts, I break! 

But.. she's not mine!

One day she'll understand that although not mine by birth, she's still my first baby. And life wouldn't be the same without her.

Life has been hectic the last few months. I've disappointed myself more times than not. In my head, the way I was going the first few months definitely didn't follow course with the rest of this year. I was on the ball with food, exercise, mind set, losing weight, staying strong.... Then when everything dominoed, snow balled if you will, my mind went to crap and I haven't been able to get back on course since.

I've literally stayed within the same 5lbs since our vacation. I'm still down 35lbs... But I thought by now, I'd be down 50+. And, I'm not.

It's so close. Not far at all. Totally obtainable. But... I'm having such a hard time getting on track.

I wish it was as easy as others make it look. Don't get me wrong. I know it's not easy for them either! It just LOOKS like it!

So I've been chasing life with humor lately. I've been trying to just keep upbeat and lively. Because otherwise I start thinking about everything and it just gets in my head and gets me down.

I've watched videos of me from a year or two ago, and I can see a drastic difference in just me then to me now. But.. it's not good enough.

Not good enough for me.

There are so many things I want to be better for.. But my top two are me, and my husband.

I've seen small victories.. like this picture. I couldn't button this jersey when I bought it, 2 years ago for our engagement pictures, without it gaping between buttons..

Still a little snug, but those small things keep me going.

I see differences in this picture that have changed from last year.. we've definitely come far this year ... But, I can do better. And I need to remember that.

Anyway.. just a quick update to let you know that although I've fallen off the wagon.. it's definitely not because mentally I don't want it... It's cause I'm mentally sabotaging myself. And struggling. Majorly struggling.

I get on the mill every couple days.. less than I should be. I'm not pushing myself. But, I need to. I feel like my face is gaining weight again like crazy.

I still have plenty of time this year to lose another 15-20lbs to make it to *50*.

That'll be my end of year goal.

If I can hit that, my heart will be much happier.

Hope everyone else finds themselves well. Sending love to all.

:)

love to all-

larissa

another rough couple days...

Lets be honest friends.. I'm pretty transparent with my blogging. so- in honor of being pretty upfront with everything, here's what's been going down in our lives!!

Piggybacking off the last blog- Corey's foot is still sore, but he has been back to work for a few weeks now... they said a piece of the bone did break off, but it wasn't something that could be fixed by surgery or anything other than basically natural healing. They took him out of the boot and also told him he no longer needed to wear the brace - so he tries to treat it like normal.. but there is still some remaining pain.

We took our Alaskan cruise! It was amazing!! We cannot wait to go on another one!! We're thinking maybe 2020!! We already have some ideas worked up for the rest of this year and next year, so we have to push it out a little further than we'd like! ;) But we'll choose a new location! It'll be exciting to find a new place to visit that we haven't been to!

I had every intention in bringing my gym clothes onto the boat.. but the day or two leading up to it, I was having a LOT of knee pain... not sure why.. but going into the first and second days on the cruise I was still experiencing it and decided that there wasn't enough room for it in my suit case, knowing I wasn't going to use it. It meant an additional pair of shoes, extra socks, extra shirts and work out pants.. but - I know myself well enough.  I was a little bummed with myself, because I wanted to keep up with everything - but used it as a break instead.

We did do a lot of walking around though - so that definitely made up for some of it. I did get sick on the cruise however - so that was a bummer... Corey caught a cold and passed it to his momma and I... we still got to do ALL the things - but there was 1 day at sea I didn't do a whole lot or leave the room much - and I didn't really feel bad about it! That's what vacations are for!!!

As most know- cruises are FULL of ALLLL the food. - we definitely did a fair share of eating, too... best meal - King Crab in Juneau!!! SOOOOO.GOOOOOOD. Good news is - I was only up about 5lbs from my lowest weigh in - which I know was just after the dietbet! Speaking of which - I unfortunately did not pass my second bet... I'm not mad - life hit hard about that time.. I was dealing with my HORRID food poisoning - Corey's broken foot, and the stress of life - but - I'll bounce back! Its not the end of the world.. I still lost weight leading up to it!! just wasn't quite where I needed to be! there will be more!

We got off the boat and I headed for Spokane with my parents and little brother to spend time with my older brother, sister-in-law, and niche! We enjoyed the long weekend together (missing Corey back home. :( ) and had some great family time! Got to watch Nora at her ballet class - go to a BBQ at Angie's cousins house where the kiddos ((and the adults!!)) enjoyed the slip-in-slide! and the boys re-painted Nora's playset that they put up 2 years prior.

(peter is on the ladder, timm is inside the house painting with nora, and dad is underneath the set!)

Back to regular life - as we know it - we still hadn't gotten back on track - although I'm maintaining my loss at just coasting along. I needed to get my rear in gear and get going!! However - without fail - you know something happens... because its us!!!! :D

Corey, Snoop and Tipsy's birthday was last Tuesday!!

We went out to celebrate as a big group at Spaghetti Factory (minus the kitties!!) - and the next morning I woke around 2am with some horrid pain trying to breathe... shaking it off, I dealt with it all day Wednesday and finally in the evening just before bed, decided to reach out to the nurses line for guidance. She suggested me going to the ER that night, or - using my best judgement if I wanted to wait and try for an appointment the next morning... Although I have great heath coverage, I didn't really wish to spend the $150 copay for the ER - so I opted to go to work the next day, and call first thing when the doctor's office opened to see if I couldn't get an appointment to go in and see a doctor. I left work early and Corey took me over, and based on my symptoms, which - hadn't gone away... they choose to do an EKG to rule out the heart first. They didn't think it was the heart - so they wanted to do it first and get it out of the way...... unfortunately - they weren't happy with what they saw.

My family has a history of a blog clotting disease - antiphospholipid syndrome - and the original EKG presented what that doctor believed to possibly be a blood clot in my lungs. they sent be directly to the ER - not proceeding with any other testing - because they wanted to know RIGHT away if that's what it is! ((cue in the $150 copay!! bahahaha)) - Once at the ER - they completed another EKG, took LOTS of blood, and ran me through a CT Scan.

            

Everything came back clear. ahhhhh.. no blood clots!! Great news! although.. what they believe was causing the pain...... Acid Reflux. yeah. Acid Reflux.... for REAL?!!!! Worst pain in my life!!!! I cant hardly breathe, and I have ACID REFLUX. - that was 4 hours in the ER to figure out a whole lot of annoying news - but everyone there was great!

Corey and I left there and went and grabbed some late dinner and proceeded home. I fell asleep on the couch for a short period while watching TV and then moved to bed around 1045.... mind you - I had already excused myself from work for Friday - knowing I was in no shape to work, and wanting to get another doctors appointment so they could follow up with me for some sort of treatment. around 1245 I awoke and was in excruciating pain. I couldn't hardly move my left arm - it was somewhat numb, kinda dead weight - and my esophagus hurt so bad I could hardly breathe. deep breaths hurt so badly - that it was just short breathing.... I couldn't even really cry. but I moved to the couch in hopes to get through the night....

there was no getting through the night. just shortly after - my mom recommended me calling the nurses line again - and basically as soon as they heard trouble breathing, chest hurts, numb arm - they wanted me to call 911. Well - my husband was home, could drive me, and didn't have to work - so I didn't want to call 911 and deal with all that - so we got back up, and out the door we went..... another 3 hours from 245-545 Friday morning spent in the ER... 

another EKG, another set of blood... EVERYTHING came back normal AGAIN!!! this was a new doctor, so he checked out a few other avenues before ruling the heart out completely - like inflammation of the heart for instance.. - but again... he chalked it up to be Acid Reflux. At this point we asked more questions we didn't think to ask the first time - like... what those doctors thought they saw on the first EKG (I had a copy of it with me) that they didn't see - which he said is because I have a lot of elasticity in my heart... so it opens more when I breathe in, and less when I breathe out. He said its normal with younger people - and as you get older, your heart has less elasticity so it opens smaller. He said some people see that as an irregular situation, but it wasn't out of the norm. I also asked why my arm was experiencing the numbness - to which he said there is a nerve in your upper shoulder/chest area, which connects your left arm and chest - and when you are in pain there, your brain cannot detect where the pain is coming from.. so at some point, it was sending pain to BOTH areas.... I thought it was cause that's where my blood drawing was from.. but he said he didn't think that would cause it! We also asked if there was something he could give me to help with the pain or reflux since I wasn't going to see my doctor till the next day (IF I could even get in!!) - and luckily he prescribed me with some pain meds, and 2 types of acid reflux pills. one that is supposed to start right away, and another that takes about 5-6 days to actually work... he told me to follow up with my doctor in a few days, since he was getting me started with some medicine so I wouldn't need to run out and see them right away. It made me feel a LOT better - as I was concerned if I couldn't get in to see someone WHAT I was going to do all weekend.


now - I'm on day 4... and still in HORRID pain. Counting down the days till I can go to the doctor and see why I might be getting this - I've never had this before.. and even if I've experienced a slight heart burn, its been more like a little burn and gone after a few hours. Now to think of everything I will no longer be able to eat due to the acid in it!!!! :O - I guess it'll help with the weight loss for sure, but I just don't understand.... How could Spaghetti do this to me?! Of all foods. I thought we were friends. :(


anyway- LONG story blog - and I'm sorry for rambling... but - here we are. still maintaining around that 35ish pound loss.. and now in for a journey ahead to figure out what is going on.... and get it FIXED so I can start working out again... I cant do hardly anything right now except sleep on the couch. the simplest of tasks causes me such a great deal of pain.. walking, picking things up, holding things in my left hand, cleaning the litter box or moving laundry... such simple tasks, and it HURTS to do. It hurts to laugh, to cry, to cough, to sneeze.... I just want things to be NORMAL!!!


Shout out to my amazing husband who is my rock... and was by my side for all of it. Continued to tell me I would be okay... even though we didn't know what was wrong. and has driven me around, since I cant!! and our parents who have been a listening ear and very supportive!


Life has a lovely way of holding us back - but we'll get through this!! We will indeed!!!




If you've made it this far, thank you! I know it was a lot! and I'm sorry for that!! I didn't have a lot to update, but what I did was a bit lengthy!!



:)

love to all
larissa

Super quick update!!

So this blog won't be as fancy.. fun.. or as long as my others.. only because I'm on my phone keying this up and don't have the patients.

But I did want to part an update for those following my journey so you know where I'm at!!

Things in our house got a little crazy!

We weighed in for our diet bet back on April 16th/17th. On the 16th I was feeling pretty defeated because I wasn't there yet.. ((I had been REALLY good with food and exercise)) but found out I had 48 hours to report my weight. On the 17th I was still struggling in the early AM.. but walked and managed to weight in under my goal and get it submitted before work! Fast forward.. we both completed our goals, under weight, and won our bets!!! So we signed up for another one before our cruise.


Then...... I got what I believe to be food poisioning. It. Was. Miserable.
It lasted almost a full week. So almost an entire week of barely eating.. and when I did, it was like... 1 full meal that day. So it was a challenge. We had so much going on though, that I couldn't stop life! So I had to carry on.

Things finally started to calm down...... And my husband ((Corey)) broke his ankle. Such a terrible, unfortunate situation. Things again were put on hold. We didn't have time to deal with things. He can't drive right now.. he couldn't go on his trip this weekend to LA.. And I've been taking care of him... My wife duty! I'm not complaining by any means. He didn't want this to happen. It's a sad event. He didn't deserve this... But here we are! So.. we're dealing! We're a team.. and I'm happy to do whatever I can to help and make him comfortable.


Today, along with getting his car from his work, picking up a scooter to make his life easier and hanging out.. I was finally able to get some groceries to hopefully help set us back up for success.

I've mostly maintained my weight... around the 33lbs down mark... So, I'm at ease knowing that even though I'm not being the best version of myself or making the best decisions, I'm still doing okay.

Once I get back to the grind I know I'll feel much better.

Life is just starting to get busy again... So I know I need to get into a routine before it eats me alive!!


But I just wanted you to know.. I'm here. I'm in a challenging situation right now.. but it wouldn't be us if we weren't going through SOMETHING, right?!!!!


Thank you all, so very much, for being such an amazing support system.

I'll be back at it in no time.

About 33ish lbs down!

:)

love to all
larissa

I've been lifeing...

Its been a bit, and I've been "lifeing" but here I am!!!

There's been a lot going on, and I haven't had a lot to say. I've sat down to write a few times, but slowly closed the computer screen right back down moments later. But here I am!

About 6 months ago my mother-in-law hosted a LuLaRoe pop-up party! ((for those who are not familiar, it is clothing that is sold online or by a pop-up party. not all inventory is the same from consultant to consultant, and you cant just go in a store and purchase it)) I loved this dress, and my momma offered to get it for me..... but she would only hand it over under 1 condition. I didn't get it till I lost 30bs. I happily agreed, as I knew it was much needed for me to do so.. and as much as that seems like a bribe just to lose weight.. my mom's heart was in the right place. I NEEDED to lose the weight.

last week... I got my dress!!

I know that lula isn't everyones cup of tea when it comes to clothes. Some of the patterns are a little wild. But for me, its comforting! Its more flattering on me then a lot of other things I own. It is more flowy for girls with curves, and I feel good in it. and let me 1000% honest when I say - I couldn't stand putting on jeans for a period of time a few months ago, because I'll be dammed if I was going to size up AGAIN, and I didn't feel comfortable in the ones I owned.
**true life story. I cant tell you how many times I had to tell myself "I WONT SIZE UP AGAIN" ... and I did. .. and I did.... and then, I couldn't do it again.

Last weekend, my mom and I drove over to Spokane and enjoyed the weekend and Easter with my brother, sister-in-law, niece.. and my other brother and his girlfriend who drove over too! Dad was sick. :( So rather than getting everyone else sick, he stayed home. And Uncle Corey had to work. :( So he stayed back as well.

For anyone who didn't see pictures - we had a blast!!!!

And my niece is now in LOVE with Silly String!!!! :)

I still got my workouts in! In the Hagen Family gym... walking on the mill while my brother did his biking! Then later that afternoon, he was going for a run.. Knowing I couldn't keep up with him and Jens by foot, we decided I'd bike... It took 3 days, but I FINALLY stopped hurting! :D Its a street bike, so the tires and seat and MUCH smaller than a normal ridding bike. But, I did it!!!! I almost didn't leave the street and gave up.. but I didn't want to give up. I wanted to say that I could do it! I wanted to prove myself wrong. it hurt. it was painful. and I had no idea what I was doing with all the gears! but, I did it!!! I felt like I was dragging him down a bit, but he wasn't unhappy with me! They are such great supporters of me!! I was happy to get to do that with him!!

I'm not like a regular aunt!! I'm a cool aunt! :)

and Angie, Kristina, and I went for a walk Easter morning!

It was a nice, brisk, chilly, but beautiful day out!!

I love getting an opportunity to spend time with family! I've missed them so very much!! Its the first time I've seen them since Christmas. It was a much needed visit! My niche is hilarious!! She's got jokes for days!! It helps that she has such a hilarious aunt!! ;)

I joined a diet bet... yeah- me. I know. right?! ((for those of you, unsure of what that is - I bet $30 I could lose 4% of my weight in 4 weeks. If I succeed, I get my money back, as well as part of the pot of money.. the game takes a portion and the winners take a portion. if EVERY person wins, then we at least get our money back.)) As of yesterday, I still needed to drop 5lbs. I was extremely overwhelmed over it. I was starting to feel like I was going to fail. I don't want to fail my first one. I don't want to feel defeated on the first one I attempt. but - HUGE stress relief, this morning I weighted in only 1lb away!!! Hopefully I can lose another 2-3lbs before next Monday morning when we weigh in! It helps that we got our grocery shopping done and our meal prep going on again!!

I took a few "life" days .. and even though I still maintained my 5 days or more exercising a week (my goal), I wasn't super on the ball with my eating. I pretty much stayed around the same weight, give or take a pound.. but since I wasn't losing anything, I needed to reset and shock the system. I was getting down on myself for just staying flatlined. I was over the same things day in and day out. I was mad at food for being food... and most of all, going out, wasn't as satisfying as we'd hoped it'd be! ((unless it was Mexican. Mexican food NEVER disappoints me!)) I felt super behind on my bet, since I was staying in one place... and I was beginning to feel like a failure again. and I WASNT going to let myself do that. I wasn't going to lose 30lbs, and stop there. So, here we are... back to our home dinners. cooking together. having dinner with my husband at the dinner table. that's the kind of stability I need in my life!

I like to call them "life" days, rather than "cheat" days or "splurge" days.. I shouldn't feel like I'm doing something wrong, just because I'm enjoying life!! If I want to go out to eat for dinner, with friends, I can. I'm an adult! As long as I'm not going out to eat EVERY night with friends, 1 night every few weeks is perfectly fine. its simply living life!!!

my goal was to lose 20 more pounds before our cruise. I'm more like 18ish away now.. but I'm not sure if I'll reach that goal since I'm only 6 weeks away. if I do.. it'll be 50lbs down!! that's huge! :)

SO huge for me.

I'm still not seeing a change in my physical appearance. Sometimes I see a little change in my face.. but that's about it. My body doesn't look very different in my eyes. but, as long as the scale is moving.. I'm happy! I know there are other victories.. like - measurements, or just feeling good... and trust me.. I feel a LOT better after getting back to eating at home again.

and for the record... my brother and sister-in-law have a wall full of mirrors in their workout room... so I did finally take full shots. I'll share them, but.. it makes me feel a lot self conscious and a little defeated.... however - I know it'll be good for a future reference.

so here you are...

I can also feel the weight loss in my treadmill walking, too... I haven't gotten shin splints in a bit.. which is GREAT! Those are terrible. and hurt TREMENDIOUSLY. Its a victory in its self when I can get through an hour walk, without those!! Now its building up my legs on the bike! ((if you remember, my brother offered us his bike they no longer wanted... we now have it in our possession!)) Yesterday I did 10 mins.. today, 15mins with breaks. its no joke!! but I'm bound to get to 30mins to an hour!!! I balance it out with my walks on the mill.

I'm certainly happy at about 2-3lbs of loss a week. I'm not in a rush to lose the weight, but I am going to lose it. that's that. I know it took me many years of gaining the weight, to have it.. so it'll take me some time to get it off. I gave my self a 2 year goal to get down to 150...

((I might be repeating things from previous blogs at times.. but bear with me!!))

I just want to be healthy. it doesn't matter how long it takes to get there.. its about the process of moving and making better decisions!!

Overall, I'm glad that its a change in our home.. not just in my personal life. Having someone else doing the same thing, is great! I admire how hard my husband is working on his weight and lifestyle too!

p.s.- #selfieoritdidnthappen

((not all these pictures are from the same day. bahahaha...

I apparently just like to wear the same thing a lot when I workout!!!!))

32.8lbs down!!!!

:)

love to all

larissa